A few years back, we were on our way to see the family when hurricanes were sweeping through. Canceled flights, trips rerouted, that kind of thing.
We made it about half way and stayed overnight in a hotel while the airlines sorted out how we were going to make the second leg. My youngest daughter fell off the bed and just straight smashed her face into a wall. Bloody nose and blood everywhere at like 2am.
We were exhausted and I called it. I took it as a sign and we turned around and went home. Figured we’d see the family when the weather wasn’t against us. Ended up playing EQ that weekend, it was a double experience weekend or something.
About 6 months later, my father (suddenly) passed away. If we hadn’t turned around that weekend, that would have been the last time that I saw him. Instead, I didn’t see him again before he died.
Guilt is a funny thing, there was quite a while that every time I loaded up EQ I felt a pang of guilt that I played EQ on the last weekend I would have seen my father alive. There’s no rhyme or reason to it, and you feel how you feel. No one can tell you what is right or wrong or what the best way for you to cope is.
None of my family blamed me for turning around. Most of them said they’d have done the same in my position. Even now I think it was the right call, but that knowledge didn’t stop me from feeling guilty. And that’s okay, guilt is one of the stages of grief.
As an aside here, I don’t do well with long goodbyes. So I can empathize with needing a distraction while someone I love slowly passes on. I also don’t curse much…but anyone telling you what you SHOULD have done in that scenario (including your own brain) can absolutely fuck off.
Some days will be easier than others. And sometimes you’ll feel guilty about that too. Sometimes you’ll feel differently even on the same day. It’s just how humans work.
If it helps, go for it. If it makes things worse, do something else. I think anyone who loved us and truly understood us, would forgive us, whatever our coping mechanisms. And the thing about the good people that love us is that they always want what is best for us, even if we’re not sure we deserve it.
Do what you need to do, seek healthy help wherever you can. My condolences for your loss.