Question - Is it right to still be playing a game after your Wife passed away. (1 Viewer)

[Trila]

I am having a moral dilemma since wife passed away on May 11th 2023 from Cancer Complications

So what do you all think? Should I keep playing a game or no. I could of spent more time with her in her last days, but I was playing the game more then being with her so I am feeling guilty.

 

[ImGreg]

First off sorry to hear about your loss. Secondly I say yes.. play tf out of eq if you enjoy it.
Third Fuck Cancer.

 

[Cannonballdex]

Sorry to hear of your loss.

 

[Harken]

Keep your mind busy, play EQ, do what you love to do... Dont give urself to much of a hard time.
Main thing is to keep busy my friend.
This is a community of friends, if we can help I see no issue with reaching out.

 

[Teichou]

the game was and is your way of dealing with everything. You have done nothing wrong, and I am sure she would understand. We all deal with the events of life in different ways. It could very well be that without this game you would not be able to cope with what was going on.

 

[Shadow]

I am having a moral dilemma since wife passed away on May 11th 2023 from Cancer Complications

So what do you all think? Should I keep playing a game or no. I could of spent more time with her in her last days, but I was playing the game more then being with her so I am feeling guilty.

Not sure if there was another forum I should of posted this.

Sorry for your loss. Truly.

You cannot blame yourself. Cancer is the absolute worst, and people cope in different ways. She knew she was dying. It wasn't like a sudden thing, and she would have understood as it was probably also painful for you to watch her dwindle away. Do what you need to do to deal with the grief. EQ is a much better alternative to substance abuse or the worse alternative.

Our thoughts are with you.

 

[Trila]

Yeah She was a gamer herself and used to play EQ long ago.

Yep it was not a surprise we knew what was coming. I had Hospice bring her home from the Acute Care room so she could pass away on the couch with her 3 cats and small dog. She only lasted 1 1/2 days at home, but at least she was here with us.

She is at peace now. No more Doctors and Nurses poking her and no more Chemo.

 

[Hadler]

I started playing again when my wife passed. It was sudden in our case so it took me a while to get beyond the shock. Once my brain got somewhat back to normal I had to have something to keep me busy and old faithful EQ was that thing.

 

[B_I_G__D_A_D_D_Y]

I am having a moral dilemma since wife passed away on May 11th 2023 from Cancer Complications

So what do you all think? Should I keep playing a game or no. I could of spent more time with her in her last days, but I was playing the game more then being with her so I am feeling guilty.

Not sure if there was another forum I should of posted this.

You'll probably never completely overcome the guilt. Go look yourself in the eye and tell yourself you fucked up. Then tell yourself that in the end nothing would have changed. Then gradually move on with your life. Lot of people on this earth have done much worse. And I'm so sorry for your loss!

 

[Sic]

I am having a moral dilemma since wife passed away on May 11th 2023 from Cancer Complications

So what do you all think? Should I keep playing a game or no. I could of spent more time with her in her last days, but I was playing the game more then being with her so I am feeling guilty.

Not sure if there was another forum I should of posted this.

Sorry for your loss Trilia.

We all deal with grief and loss in different ways, sometimes in ways we don't want to.

If possible see if you can find a professional to talk with about your feelings, and how to process this incredibly hard time.

You're not alone. You are loved.

 

[methodx]

I think it's normal to have the feelings you're having.

My dad passed from cancer in 2009 and I remember that I dwelled on negative stuff about our relationship and found it hard to think of positives for a long time after. Similar stuff about how we could have spent more time together or opportunities to do stuff together that didn't happen for whatever reason.

Hobbies are a way to release pressure and take your mind off stressful things for a while. So I think it's normal that you would be using EQ as a crutch when your wife was unwell.

Grief and bereavement have stages I guess that you go through, I don't know what they are lol buy I think this sort of blame or guilt stage is one of them.

My mother in law died recently and my father in law is getting counselling which I know is helping him a lot to deal with the emotions that come from losing a loved one so maybe you should look into finding somewhere to get that.

 

[eqsubi15]

So sorry for your loss. I would say keep playing if it makes you happy. I'm sure she would want you to be happy as well. Sometimes, even in-game friends can offer comfort where others cannot.

 

[SBS1141]

We have had family members pass away and we just retired their toons and parked them in their favorite places in the game. Sorry for your loss prayers for you and your family

 

[Redfrog]

I am having a moral dilemma since wife passed away on May 11th 2023 from Cancer Complications

So what do you all think? Should I keep playing a game or no. I could of spent more time with her in her last days, but I was playing the game more then being with her so I am feeling guilty.

Not sure if there was another forum I should of posted this.

Hi @Trila ,
I cannot fully understand your loss, but can share what the meaning you are talking about. My wife just began her first official job at a very nice Hospice facility and I hear/see of the events of people's lives. It is with joy in heart that I have for both you and your wife, that she was able to leave and pass on at her home with you and her loved pets. Many her state similar thoughts of your love for her will not fade because you play a game. Do anything you need to find your way to thoughts of happiness. You're okay. IF/when the game may bring some feelings or thoughts that don't make you happy, move on to a different activity, or ADD another activity to playing EQ. I am still in a 'recuperation' of sorts for the last few years and I had to move and did not want to fall to depression, I could barely play EQ for a good while. I just am about to start a new thing in by adding chicken raising. I hope and will pray for you, that you will find your inner happiness my friend. May your treasured memories give you strength.

 

[Saffron]

So sorry. If EQ gets your mind off things and can maybe even bring a little joy then box till ya drop.

 

[Redmonkey]

My Condolences.

This will be a very hard time for you so yes, keep playing the game if it takes you away mentally or gets your mind off things.

Yes, everyone feels they could have done more before a loved one passes. Thinking this is part of the grieving. I found it helped to say it out loud - like "yes mom I should have taken you to that store you wanted to go to" or whatever you feel. It also helped me to say what I DID do. As in "I am glad that I helped clean your house so you could feel comfortable, mom" Or when you take down that mob in the game just say "that one was for you babe"

Don't make any decisions for now. You will become a little more settled as the weeks go by.

 

[Knightly]

A few years back, we were on our way to see the family when hurricanes were sweeping through. Canceled flights, trips rerouted, that kind of thing.

We made it about half way and stayed overnight in a hotel while the airlines sorted out how we were going to make the second leg. My youngest daughter fell off the bed and just straight smashed her face into a wall. Bloody nose and blood everywhere at like 2am.

We were exhausted and I called it. I took it as a sign and we turned around and went home. Figured we’d see the family when the weather wasn’t against us. Ended up playing EQ that weekend, it was a double experience weekend or something.

About 6 months later, my father (suddenly) passed away. If we hadn’t turned around that weekend, that would have been the last time that I saw him. Instead, I didn’t see him again before he died.

Guilt is a funny thing, there was quite a while that every time I loaded up EQ I felt a pang of guilt that I played EQ on the last weekend I would have seen my father alive. There’s no rhyme or reason to it, and you feel how you feel. No one can tell you what is right or wrong or what the best way for you to cope is.

None of my family blamed me for turning around. Most of them said they’d have done the same in my position. Even now I think it was the right call, but that knowledge didn’t stop me from feeling guilty. And that’s okay, guilt is one of the stages of grief.

As an aside here, I don’t do well with long goodbyes. So I can empathize with needing a distraction while someone I love slowly passes on. I also don’t curse much…but anyone telling you what you SHOULD have done in that scenario (including your own brain) can absolutely fuck off.

Some days will be easier than others. And sometimes you’ll feel guilty about that too. Sometimes you’ll feel differently even on the same day. It’s just how humans work.

If it helps, go for it. If it makes things worse, do something else. I think anyone who loved us and truly understood us, would forgive us, whatever our coping mechanisms. And the thing about the good people that love us is that they always want what is best for us, even if we’re not sure we deserve it.

Do what you need to do, seek healthy help wherever you can. My condolences for your loss.

 

[Monkeyman618]

hey im sorry for your loss it strikes me at do i have the same question my self that i have my uncle just past away very recently and i play this game one game we all used to play for a while then took a break now look at me i play to keep my mind at peace even if im standing around talking or decorating a Guild hall for in memory and kinda making it a home inside the game that i could maybe recreate the memories we had. its not so easy with the shock but in time as you go through these steps of grief and sorrow. i often think the same thing from time to time like what should i be doing know. not trying to change the subject

 

[Trila]

Thank you all for your kind words and insight and for those of you that have suffered a loved one passing yourself my heart goes out to you.

 

[Overtimer]

One of my Guild Leader's wife passed away a while back.
She was very kind and very generous in the game to players outside the guild.

What we did to honor her, as we would set up guild events and make sure no loot ever rot in the game, we always did general chat loot rot.
We had coh setup for them too. We did Xp runs. We wanted her to live through her Cleric, and I am getting sad writing this atm.

We kind of slowed down, because of the ban wave that hit us, we didn't want her to be banned.

 

[vandersl]

Very sorry for your loss, Trila.

As Knightly said, nobody can say what you should have done, or should do. I am sure you have thought through all of it 1000 times already. Do what you need to do.

I feel guilt to this day that I didn't spend more time with my father, who passed from cancer in 2003. I returned home from a visit only 2 days before his passing, and still wonder why I didn't stay longer to this day. Sometimes the real priorities aren't clear until after events are passed. But it isn't productive to dwell on them.

 

[Paladin]

Yes, now is the perfect time to play all the EverQuest you want!
sorry for your loss

 

[Chaldeus]

I'm very sorry for your loss. Cancer is (insert every bad thing one can say or feel or imagine). I've had several family members go that route and it sucks each time.

As for the game...well, you could sit and dwell on your mistakes, real or imagined, and that would suit nobody. Grieve for your wife, miss the hell out of her, and
do what you need to do to cope with the change in your life. Yours still goes on. If Everquest helps you deal with things, great. If it just gives you some enjoyment
that otherwise would be lacking, great still. Keep doing what you need or even want to do. Nobody can live your life for you.

Your wife would want you to do the things that make you happy. Only you can decide what those things are.

If you had spent every moment of your lives together, it would still not be enough at the end. Forgive yourself any guilt, whether earned or self-imposed. Keep her
in your heart and mind, and move on. You still have a lot of breathing to do.

 

[ItsSteeeve]

Losing a loved one to cancer (or to anything else) is an awful feeling. I've been there, I get a strong suspicion many others here have gone through that as well.

The regret of not spending enough time with someone before they're gone is a normal emotion, and if you didnt associate that with playing games, you would instead look at -something- else you did independent of her and see that as a bad thing instead.

Even if, in the short term, you need to take a break from gaming to work on yourself, you dont have to treat it or view it as a punishment.

I cannot strongly enough recommend finding some kind of support group, or speaking to a professional about what you are feeling. These are things that, while they possibly can go away on their own, are so much easier to process with help. No matter how much you might think you deserve to feel a certain way, or should feel a certain way, thats not how you heal.


I am sorry for your loss. I hope you are able to start the process of healing.

 

[Vrakenor]

So sorry for your loss. Been there did that, first wife passed from breast cancer. Went through the whole thing with her. Watched her hair fall out after chemo, did the whole double mastectomy thing (god was that bad). Man I have never cried so hard in my life. So I stayed by her for it all and I can honestly say that it wrecked my mind. I learned that there are 7 stages to grief over loosing someone. At first I did i all wrong, I won't into detail but let's just say I was doing all the wrong things. Then I found someone I could talk to and that helped a lot. Then a pyschologist took me under his wing and explained it all to me so I could understand it better. Anyways it took a good year until I got my shit back together.

I was told the very same things that have been said here already, nobody deals with this the same way. I dived into a computer game after she passed and later I felt guilty for it. Go figure. Sheesh I felt guilty about almost everything, Like what was said above, it's human emotion, and it's those feelings that make us all individuals. You do what you gotta do to get through this. Just be careful of the drugs and alcohol please. I found this out the hard way. All that does is deaden the feelings and then when you wake up from your dream the guilt is much worse.

Keep your head up and know that you were loved. That's the most important thing you can take away from all this.

Vrak

 

[Veinie]

Sorry to hear. Cancer is a beast.

 

[dagers]

Sorry for your loss. Focus on yourself, being happy and getting by! Talk to a pro if you need to. I did for a bit. Shit happens. Focus on the positives and do what you like. No one should shame you for that.

 

[dcb500]

I say play the game and do whatever else you want, but figure out why you're feeling the way you do.

Sorry your wife passed, but you still gotta be you. Do what you enjoy while you learn from whatever it is you're feeling. If you have complex feelings about all of this, take some time to sit in a chair (or lay down w/e) to meditate for however long you feel you need to. I process everything I go through by meditating on it. When I get into something emotional, likely similar to what you're experiencing, I feel it out (usually lots of depth of emotions and thoughts), define it as best I can, and grow from this awareness. I let things come to me, when I meditate, without forcing any thoughts one way or another. I find that the most pressing issues in regards to what I'm currently feeling tend to be on my mind the most and will naturally come to me on their own when I keep a clear head. Once you begin to get into your deep emotions and the way you feel with tools like meditation, you can take control of your feelings instead of being led by them. If you get proficient enough at meditating, you can even play EQ while continuing to dig deep.

I've had people that I wished I'd have spent more time with before they passed too (some even because I was playing EQ instead of being with them). But now that they are gone, all that I can do is learn and adapt myself so that I don't experience the same regret. Everything is a learning lesson, even the hard stuff we tend to shy away from.

 

[Bholm]

I am having a moral dilemma since wife passed away on May 11th 2023 from Cancer Complications

So what do you all think? Should I keep playing a game or no. I could of spent more time with her in her last days, but I was playing the game more then being with her so I am feeling guilty.

No matter what you had done before she died, you would feel guilty.. sadly this is a huge part of losing someone you love.
We as humans overthink what we could/should have done instead of being thankful, for the time you had with her and that you hopefully managed to spend as much time with her before she passed.
And i am sure she would never want you to beat yourself down with guilt, rather she would want you to charise the memories you have of the two of you together.

I am sending the best wishes to you and those around you, and remember life goes on even tho its hard to imagen right now im sure.

ps. Cancer really is a demon that many of us will struggle with sadly.

 

[Oldman66]

I am so sorry for you and your family's loss. Should have, would have, could have are in the past and nothing can change that. You can only live for the now and do the best you can. If your wife loved you, you did it right. I would bet the guilt isn't for playing EQ but rather why did this have to happen to her. Coping mechanisms are a "to each their own". I hope that sharing here has and will help you in some sort of way. Peace be with you Brother!

 

[Sic]

Locking this thread as it is months old and got bumped.