Funny - EQ Funnies...

[EnGarde]

Ran across Postleaf's story competition, late. But made me remember all these EQ stories I've collected over the years. Some of which are freakin hilarious. Can't claim anything on them other than I have kept them for years. I didn't write any of em. I'll put em in separate posts..
Hope you enjoy these..

Trakanon.. you big goof!
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I am reposting this from our guild boards.. hopefully Soleanla won't be too mad at me... its quite the funny RP read.

Ahem...I would like to present to you...Trakanon Raid:
You have entered Old Sebilis
Ranger says, “Hey guys look at this new RANGER ONLY weapon I got! Verant has definitely done the right thing THIS time! Needle of Tunare: Damage 1 delay 1!
Paladin raises his eyebrows.
Paladin says, “You’re actually going to USE that? That suicide!
Ranger says, “No its not! I have Warrior here to taunt off me!
Level59Warrior shifts uneasily from foot to foot
Warrior has yet to tell Ranger he can’t taunt Trakanon because Trakanon is higher level and Warrior isn’t level 60 yet.
Warrior quickly changes the subject.
Warrior says, “Ok is everyone here?”
Enchanter says, “Just a sec”
Enchanter begins to cast a spell.
Enchanter turns into a fire elemental.
Enchanter says, “Ahh I am the master of illusions.”
Bard uses Iksar Hide Mask.
Necromancer turns into a spectre.
Druid and Ranger turn into wolves.
Shaman turns into a bear.
Rogue uses Guise of the deceiver.
Enchanter sighs.
Warrior says, “Alright then, lets get moving”
Warrior shouts, “Assist on me Froglock Shmuck Wizard"
Tanks charge Froglok Shmuck Wizard.
Necromancer begins to cast a spell.
Froglock Shmuck Wizard pokes Necromancer for 001 points of damage.
Necromancer’s casting is interrupted!
Froglok Shmuck Wizard begins to cast a spell.
Warrior hits Froglok Shmuck Wizard for 150 points of damage
Warrior hits Froglok Shmuck Wizard for 150 points of damage
Warrior hits Froglok Shmuck Wizard for 150 points of damage
Warrior hits Froglok Shmuck Wizard for 150 points of damage
RangerWithStupidlyFastWeapon pokes Froglok Shmuck Wizard for 4 points of damage about a million times.
Rogue backstabs Froglok Shmuck Wizard for 500 points of damage.
Rogue backstabs Froglok Shmuck Wizard for 500 points of damage.
Froglok Shmuck Wizard shrugs and continues its casting.
GroupOPlayers rise chaotically into the air.
14Players bonk into the ceiling for 1 point of damage.
14Players fall back to the ground for 30 points of damage.
Slightly Annoyed Wizard, Magician, and Druid all nuke Froglok Shmuck Wizard several times over.
Froglok Shmuck Wizard has been slain!
Cleric master-loots Froglok Shmuck Wizard’s corpse.
Cleric has looted a Fire Opal.
Cleric has looted a Sapphire.
Cleric has looted a Fire Emerald
Cleric has looted a Blue Diamond.
Cleric pockets all the shiny gems.
GroupOPlayers look at Cleric.
Cleric says, “Well I need to pay for my Symbol Don’t I?”
Moths fly out of Warrior’s pockets.
Several hundred peridots fall out of Cleric’s Bag of the Tinkerers.
Cleric says, “Ok, Ok, I’ll split the change then.
You receive 1 gold, 38 silver, and 483 copper as your split.
Druid says, “Oh who cares, all I want is my Trakanon loot!”
GroupOPlayers agree and move on.

Later on…
Tanks whomp mercilessly on Tolapumj.
Ranger hits Tolapumj for 4 points of damage.
Ranger hits Tolapumj for 3 points of damage.
Ranger hits Tolapumj for 1 points of damage.
Ranger hits Tolapumj for 3 points of damage.
Ranger hits Tolapumj for 3 points of damage.
Ranger hits Tolapumj for 4 points of damage.
Ranger hits Tolapumj for 3 points of damage.
Ranger hits Tolapumj for 2 points of damage.
Tolapumj hits Ranger for 270 points of damage.
Tolapumj hits Ranger for 270 points of damage.
Tolapumj hits Ranger for 270 points of damage.
Tolapumj hits Ranger for 270 points of damage.
Warrior hits Tolapumj for 125 points of damage.
Warrior hits Tolapumj for 125 points of damage.
Warrior bashes Tolapumj for 25 points of damage.
Tolapumj glares at tanks.
Tolapumj brushes off his robe.
Tolapumj says, “Argh, and I just cleaned and ironed this thing too!”
Wizard begins to cast a spell.
Druid begins to cast a spell.
Ranger hits Tolapumj for 4 points of damage.
Ranger hits Tolapumj for 3 points of damage.
Ranger hits Tolapumj for 1 points of damage.
Ranger hits Tolapumj for 3 points of damage.
Ranger hits Tolapumj for 3 points of damage.
Ranger hits Tolapumj for 4 points of damage.
Ranger hits Tolapumj for 3 points of damage.
Ranger hits Tolapumj for 2 points of damage.
Ranger kicks Tolapumj for 1 point of damage.
Ranger says, “Ok, this sucks”
Ranger backs off and takes out his bow.
Wizard’s spell has been resisted.
Druid’s spell hits dead-on.
Tolapumj says, “Hit by non-melee for 1024 points of damage.”
Verant Employee poofs in.
GroupOPlayers and Tolapumj stop fighting and look at Verant Employee.
Verant Employee slaps Tolapumj.
Verant Employee says, “This is your last warning, Tolapumj. We told you not to say that almost a year ago! Do it again and we take away your retirement plan!”
Verant Employee poofs away.
GroupOPlayers look at Tolapumj.
Tolapumj looks at GroupOPlayers.
Tolapumj says, “What the…? That was odd.”
Ranger draws his bowstring.
Fighting resumes.
Ranger shoots with his bow.
Ranger tries to hit Tolapumj, but misses!
Ranger tries to hit Tolapumj, but misses!
Ranger tries to hit Tolapumj, but misses!
Other Tanks lay the beat-down upon Tolapumj.
Rogue backstabs Tolapumj for 400 points of damage.
Tolapumj hits Rogue for 280 points of damage
Tolapumj hits Rogue for 280 points of damage
Tolapumj hits Rogue for 280 points of damage
Tolapumj hits Rogue for 280 points of damage
Ranger uses his Trueshot Discipline.
Ranger tries to hit Tolapumj, but misses!
Ranger hits Tolapumj for 1 point of non-melee damage.
Tolapumj hits Rogue for 280 points of damage
Tolapumj hits Rogue for 280 points of damage
Tolapumj hits Rogue for 280 points of damage
Tolapumj hits Rogue for 280 points of damage
Tolapumj begins to cast a spell.
Tolapumj does a back flip in the middle of the battle.
Rogue has been ice-cometed.
Rogue has been knocked unconscious!
Rogue uses his discipline.
Tolapumj tries to hit UnconsiousRogue, but UnconsiousRogue dodges!
Tolapumj tries to hit UnconsiousRogue, but UnconsiousRogue dodges!
Tolapumj tries to hit UnconsiousRogue, but UnconsiousRogue dodges!
Tolapumj tries to hit UnconsiousRogue, but UnconsiousRogue dodges!
Cleric bonks her Donal’s Breastplate.
Warrior gives an alarmed look at Cleric.
Cleric says, “Well I gotta be mana efficient here!
Warrior and Paladin taunt like crazy.
PaladinWhoNeverWorkedOnTaunt says, “Hey boogerbrain! Over here!”
WarriorWithMasterTauntSkill says, “Come on you wussy froglok! You call that a hit??! My GRANDMOTHER hits harder than that! Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries!”
RandomMob walks by.
Ranger says, “add”
Warrior says, “Add!”
Necromancer says, “ADD”
Shaman says, “Add”
Wizard says, “ADD!”
Magician says, “Add”
Paladin says, “add”
Shadowknight says, “Add”
Bard says, “ADD”
Monk says, “add!”
Cleric says, “add”
Rogue says, “Add!’
Druid says, “add”
Enchanter wakes from his deep slumber.
Enchanter says sleepily, “Huuuh? Does everyone need another round of my Epic already?
Enchanter notices RandomMob.
Enchanter says, “Oh…”
Enchanter begins to cast a spell.
RandomMob has been mezzed.
Necro’s pet suddenly turns around, whacks MezzedRandomMob, then immediately goes back to fighting Tolapumj.
Random mob starts beating on Enchanter.
Enchanter makes a rude gesture at Necro’s Pet.
Nukers all begin to cast spells.
Nukers hit Tolapumj for an obscene amount of non-melee damage.
Tolapumj is at 10 hit-points.
Tolapumj begins to cast a spell.
Warrior has been stripped of all buffs.
Warrior says, “ARGH what’s your problem?!”
Warrior shoves Tolapumj to the ground for 9 points of damage.
Tolapumj chucks a rock at GroupOPlayers with his last ounce of strength.
Warrior kicks Tolapumj for 1 point of damage.
Tolapumj has been slain by Warrior!
a flying rock tries to hit Necromancer, but Necromancer dodges!
a flying rock tries to hit Magician, but Magician dodges!
a flying rock tries to hit Enchanter, but Enchanter dodges!
a flying rock tries to hit Wizard, but Wizard dodges!
a flying rock hits Ranger square between the eyes.
Ranger has been knocked unconscious!
13Players roll their eyes and move on.

Right outside Trakanon’s lair…
Warrior says, “Ok guys, this is it. Everyone ready?”
Magician says, “Wait a second! Where’s my pet??? Goner! Goner! Here boy!
Trakanon roars in the distance.
Taunting Attacker Master.
Magician says, “Uggh”
Magician sits down and waits to die.
An endless 3 seconds pass.
YOU have been summoned!
Trakanon says, “You will not evade me a_Magician00”
Trakanon says, “Magicians like you really bring out the worst in me!”
Trakanon says, “You Magicians have ruined your own lands, you’ll not ruin mine!
Trakanon says, “Magicians like you are better left dead than alive!
Trakanon says, “I really hate Magicians like you!
Trakanon says, “Magicians like you--“
Magician slaps Trakanon.
Magician says, “Will you shut up and just kill me!!!”
Trakanon says, “Whoa thanks, I needed that”
Trakanon gives Magician an evil grin.
Magician is slain like nothing he has ever seen.
An ominous silence fills the cave.
RemainingPlayers gulp and look around.
RandomSebilisPlayer shouts, “Disco 1 looking for chanter!”
Enchanter pauses for a second.
Enchanter looks around at everyone.
Enchanter says, “Well you don’t really need me anymore do you???”
Enchanter shouts, “Be right there!”
Enchanter leaves.
Warrior says, “We better charge before anyone else goes.”
Warrior says, “Cleric, start casting your Breastplate now, and maybe it will actually heal someone on time.
Warrior charges headlong and says, “Death to Trakanon!”
Cleric sighs.
Trakanon roars.
Warrior wheels around and runs out feared.
RestOPlayers reluctantly charge.
Bard accidentally clicks his Plane of Growth breastplate.
Bard says, “Crap!”
Bard begins to uncontrollably sing Selo’s Song of Travel.
Bard zooms past Trakanon faster than Spirit of Cheetah.
Bard crashes into the opposite wall with only his feet sticking out of the crater.
Bard has been knocked unconscious!
RemainingTanks throw everything they have at Trakanon.
Paladin hits Trakanon for 100 points of damage.
Paladin hits Trakanon for 100 points of damage.
Trakanon hits Paladin for 620 points of damage.
Trakanon hits Paladin for 620 points of damage.
Trakanon hits Paladin for 620 points of damage.
Trakanon hits Paladin for 620 points of damage.
Monk uses his discipline.
Monk lands a thunderous kick! (25)
Monk says, “#$!@”
Rogue climbs up on Trakanon’s tail to get into position for backstab.
Rogue tries to backstab Trakanon, but misses!
Shadowknight says sarcastically, “Nice miss there! His back is only as big as what, a barn door????”
Rogue falls off Trakanon’s tail.
Shaman looks around mildly.
Shaman says, “Anyone need their dexterity buffs renewed?”
Trakanon hits Paladin for 600 points of damage.
Trakanon hits Paladin for 600 points of damage.
Trakanon hits Paladin for 600 points of damage.
Trakanon hits Paladin for 600 points of damage.
Paladin says, “Oh crap, Cleric where are you?”
Cleric is struggling with her breastplate.
Paladin says, “Forget it”
Paladin begins to cast a spell.
Paladin feels a healing touch.
Trakanon says, “Oh no you don’t!”
Paladin has been uber-dotted.
6 seconds pass.
Paladin has been slain by Trakanon’s dot.
Trakanon proceeds to slay the rest of the tanks.
Wizard uses his new dragon DD.
Trakanon has been hit for 2,000 points of unresistable damage
Wizard proceeds to make idle conversation “Hey did you know the mana cost on that was just reduced?”
Cleric’s Breastplate effect occurs and casts on Paladin’s corpse.
Trakanon roars.
Cleric has been summoned!
Cleric casts Divine Aura.
Trakanon says, “You will not evade me Cleric”
Trakanon tries to hit Cleric, but Cleric is INVULNERABLE!
Trakanon tries to hit Cleric, but Cleric is INVULNERABLE!
Trakanon tries to hit Cleric, but Cleric is INVULNERABLE!
Trakanon tries to hit Cleric, but Cleric is INVULNERABLE!
Cleric laughs
Trakanon begins to cast his 3k DoT
Cleric casts Divine Barrier and chuckles at the other classes
All other classes have been hit with the 3k DoT, except for Paladin who is already dead, and the only other class that could’ve resisted it.
All other classes are slain by the DoT.
Divine Barrier blinks and fades.
Cleric says, “Oooh crap”
Trakanon gives Cleric an evil grin much like he did to Magician.
Trakanon says, “Victory is mine!”
Ranger rushes in.
Ranger says, “Don’t worry Cleric! I’ll save you!”
Cleric moans, rolls her eyes, and looks up at Trakanon.
Cleric says, “Are you going to kill me or not??”
Ranger says, “Don’t worry, I know what I’m—
Ranger trips and falls.
Ranger’s Needle of Tunare flys out of his hand.
Trakanon watches in horror as the needle spins towards him in slow motion.
Trakanon tries to dodge the needle Matrix-style.
Trakanon has forgotten he is the size of a bus.
Trakanon is hit in the face by the needle.
Trakanon shouts, “MY EYE MY EYE!!!!!!! THE PAIN! THE PAIN!! AAAAAAGGGHHH…”
Trakanon has been slain by Ranger!
Cleric says, “WTF? I don’t believe it!”
Cleric scrolls her text box up to make sure.
Ranger checks Trakanon’s Corpse.
Ranger says, “Maybe ill finally complete my set of Tolan!”
The sound of Britney Spears, Backstreet Boys, and Hanson simultaneously fills the air.
Cleric screams in horror.
Ranger shouts, “AHHHHHHH!!! 3 singing steel breastplates! RUUUUN

 

[EnGarde]

POK Crock Hunter
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The scene opens with an excited looking man wearing khaki shorts and a pith helmet bouncing around wildly behind a tree as he waves towards the camera in exuberance.

“G’day folks! It’s ME, your host to all things wild, Steve Corwin, the CROCK Hunter. ‘Cause if it’s a CROCK, I’m huntin’ it. An’ we’ve a LOVELY episode for ya t’day!” He grins wildly as he camera pans in closer. Tucking a wild blonde lock of hair under his helmet he begins to whisper.

“Tha Plane of Knowledge. Spooky lil’ place, chock FULL of critters and creepies of all shapes an’ sizes! T’day we’re in search of one the most FEARED an’ DANGEROUS creatures in ALL tha world! T’day, we seek out the dreaded an’ deadly, Moronakus Annoyus, most commonly known as the “Dood”. Steve confides to the camera as he points excitedly past the tree to a large rock formation.

“COR’!! Looky what I’ve just found!” He exclaims as he runs towards the rock, slowly creeping towards the other side.

His eyes widen as he waves the camera closer, his hand a blur in the air.

“Shhh. Look at THIS beauty!” He whispers loudly as he points to a High Elf Enchanter sitting on the other side of the rock.

“Ain’t he a BEAUT?” Steve asks in awe, obviously admiring the caster.

“This is the Quickus Toafkous, or to most people who encounter them, an AFK’er. Now, while mostly docile, and not dangerous on their own, these lil’ buggers have been known to kill off ENTIRE groups in a matter of seconds. You see these markings here?” Steve points above the Enchanter’s head to the large letters “AFK”.

“The Quickus hides these markings, usually in search of its next meal. It then integrates it’s self into a large group, often takin’ on CRUCIAL roles, such as enchanter, or its more DEADLY cousin, the Canthealus Afkous, the cleric. Only when a group is distracted in battle does the AFK’er show its true marks. BLAM!” He screams, slamming his fist into his open palm. “ The AFK comes up, an’ the group realizes, often too late, just what they are dealin’ with. The AFK’er, while not a hunter, will often feed on the rotting corpses of a slaughtered group. Nasty lil’ buggers, but BEAUTIFUL and DEADLY in design.” Steve sighs as he backs away slowly from the creature, as if not to disturb it.

The crew and host wander deeper into the Plane of Knowledge as suddenly and with a loud curse, Steve takes off running. He pauses behind the corner of a building as the crew catches up to him, panting heavily.

“Shhh. We don’t want to bring ANY attention to ourselves, but take a gander at THIS beauty!” He whispers harshly as the camera slowly pans around the corner.

“Nevergroupus Aloneus. A very common parasite to the planes. Most people just call them “Groupers” for short. The grouper is an odd and EXCITING creature, and verrrry strange for a parasite, as it is CONSTANTLY emitting a loud warning cry to any that come to close - listen!” Steve points as a Wood Elf Ranger throws back his head and shouts loudly.

“Lvl 1 WE rangah LFG PST” The creature bellows before looking around frantically.

“Ya hear that? That loud and grating whining sound? That’s how the Grouper feeds. Unable to hunt or exist for long on its own, they often migrate to the Planes just MOMENTS after birth. They prey on the kind an’ foolish alike, hoping that the fruit’s of another’s labors might feed them at well. Although not really dangerous, once a Grouper latches on, they NEVER let go, constantly waiting for their host to log on, and FLOODING them with a serious of whiny demands!” He explains making a mouth with his hands and closing it quickly as he explains how the creature latches on.

“Lucky fer us, that Nevergroupus Aloneus has a VERY short life span, seldom making it past ten or so, and dying of frustration before becoming a serious threat. This fella hasn’t noticed us, so we’re goin’ to give him a WIDE berth, and jus’ leave him alone. Once they have a victim, no amount of reasoning, or explaining will be able to detach the parasite.” Steve explains as they back away slowly.

Still watching the Grouper, Steve almost backs into an angry looking Ogre Warrior.

“HEY! WATCH it you noob!” The Ogre growls loudly as he sneers at Steve.

“LOOK AT THIS!” Steve exclaims excitedly as he circles the Ogre in a hyperactive blur.

“I almost stepped on the poor lil’ fella!” Steve explains a bit sheepishly as the Ogre ROARS at being called a “lil’ fella”.

The words “UBEROUS BULLIOUS has challenged YOU to a duel to the death appear just below Steve’s chest.

“Uberous Bullious, also known as a “Dueler”. Although native to Norrath, a lack of victims in the Newbie zones where they hunt has driven them to the planes. Duelers, also known as “Green Jumpers” in some parts are only dangerous to creatures younger and weaker to them. Only praying on those with no chance of defending themselves, Uberous Bullious often seeks out any reason or justification to puff itself up in an indignant RAGE before presenting its challenge.” Steve explains to the camera as the Ogre growls at him loudly.

“CHICKEN! C’MON TOUGH GUY! LETS DUEL IF YOU AREN’T SCARED! Other side of the Oggok stone in 10 minutes!” The Ogre roars as it stomps off, before screaming loudly to the Planes.

“STEVE CORWIN IS A SCARED COWARD BECAUSE HE WON’T DUEL ME!” The Ogre roars as it disappears out of sight.

“AMAZING!” Steve whistles low as he watches the Ogre stomp off. “What a cranky fella’. See, Uberous Bullious, while sometimes dangerous, especially to those much smaller and weaker than them, don’t pose a true threat. You see how that fella puffed up, all threatening and scary, but quickly got away? He noticed that we were “red cons” or, more dangerous than himself. If we were to challenge him, he’d pull up his only true defense, the link death. When a Dueler is truly threatened, or has bitten off more than it can chew, it’ll curl up reaaaal tight, and play dead, often leaving its predator alone in disgust.” Steve explains as they round the corner towards the Nexus Stone.

“We’re getting close to the natural habitat of Moronakus Annoyus, or the Dood. Let’s see if I can attract one. By taking a piece of hollowed bamboo and this rock, I can try to call a Dood to us, so that we can better observe this WONDERFUL creature!” Steve says happily as he pulls out his bamboo and rock.

Steve starts rubbing the rock down the hollowed out shaft of the bamboo, causing odd, almost vocal chirping sounds.

“KEI….KEI….CASTING…KEI…” Steve works frantically with the instruments for a few moments. Slowly, almost cautiously, a Halfling Druid approaches.



“Crikey! Its workin’ mate!” Steve cries happily as the Halfling Druid approaches.

“U CASTING KEI PLZ?” The Halfling Druid asks as Steve stands slowly.

“Easy mate. Don’t want to scare him!” Steve grins as the Druid comes a bit closer.



“Look at the MARKINGS on this fella! What a RIPPA! As you can see this lil’ fella has little to fear from predators! The Dood is never without his natural armor or weapons, the best the plat can buy. Can you see the way it grasps the staff? Or the matching ornate pattern in all of its markings? This lil’ fella is so twinked, he could skin you alive in a matter of seconds!” Steve bounces around the Dood happily as the Halfling looks on in confusion.

“KEI PLZ KK THX!” The Dood inquires, looking perplexed at the bouncing human.


“Ya see how it types in it’s own language? Moronakus Annoyus uses all caps to ensure maximum annoyance in everything it says. Doods are also veeerry dangerous as they often hunt in packs, and at times can even MIMIC an actual intelligent player. You can easily spot a Dood however, by its level inappropriate gear, its inability to talk in hushed tones, and by its most common trait, abbreviation.” Steve continues as the Halfling grows impatient, and begins to look annoyed.

“Most D00ds are so stricken, even from birth, with attention deficit disorder, or “ADD” that they have to truncated and abbreviate even the most miniscule of words, plus, most are heavily dyslexic! Any becomes “ne”, or the becomes “teh”.” .Steve continues as the Halfling walks away in disgust.

“U SUX /IGNORE JOO!” The D00d curses moving off angrily.

Steve follows after him for a moment, before watching him disappear into the distance.

“Cor’! What an exciting day! And such BEAUTIFUL creatures! I hope you’ve all learned somethin’ t’day about the creatures we share this world with, and how wonderful, and EXCITING they can be! Until next time, this is Steve Corwin the Crock Hunter, sayin’ “Be careful out there. It’s a dangerous world!” G’day!!” Steve waves to the camera excitedly before running off after the D00d.

 

[EnGarde]

EQ Denny's
------------

LOADING, PLEASE WAIT...
You have entered Denny's.
You say, 'Hail Denny's hostess'
Denny's hostess says 'Hello, Tom. Welcome to Denny's. [Smoking] or [non-smoking]?'
You say, 'non-smoking'
You say, 'I would like non-smoking please'
You say, 'what about non-smoking'
Denny's hostess says 'Right this way, please.'
You are out of food and drink.
Corey shouts, 'has anyone seen the waiter?'
Gary shouts, 'no and ive been camping him for a half hour'
You are out of food and drink.
Ester shouts, 'I see him'
Corey shouts, 'dont kill him, i still have to do the order quest'
You are hungry.
You are thirsty.
You are out of food and drink.
You say, 'Hail Denny's waiter'
Denny's waiter says 'Hello, Tom. You look like you could use some [coffee]'
You say, 'Yes I'll have some coffee'
You say, 'what about coffee'
Denny's waiter says 'Ah, excellent! We have [regular] and [decaf].'
You say, 'I will have some decaf'
You say, 'what about decaf'
You say, 'what about decaffeinated coffee'
Denny's waiter says 'I expected nothing less of you. Here, take this.'
You gain experience!
Your faction standing with Juan Valdez got better
You drink your coffee.
You were hit by non-melee for 39 dmg
YOU are burning!
You shout, 'Ow hehe this coffee's hot'
Karen shouts, 'Haha u sux0r'
You are hungry.
You are out of food.
Annoying kid says 'Pikachuuuuuu'
Annoying kid tries to hit YOU, but misses!
Annoying kid tries to hit YOU, but misses!
Annoying kid hits YOU for 3 points of damage.
Auto-attack on.
You hit Annoying kid for 17 points of damage.
You hit Annoying kid for 22 points of damage.
You have slain Annoying kid!
Your faction standing with Disciplineless Mothers got worse
Your faction standing with Denny's Customers got better
Your faction standing with The World at Large got better
Annoying kid's corpse0 says 'My mother will avenge my death!'
You receive 3 copper as your split.
You are hungry.
You are out of food.
Disciplineless mother says 'Your actions and history are a personal affront to all I stand for.'
Disciplineless mother begins casting a spell.
Disciplineless mother pet is enveloped in flames.
Off-duty police officer says 'Hey! No pets in the building!'
Disciplineless mother pet hits YOU for 18 points of damage.
Off-duty police officer hits Disciplineless mother for 287 points of damage.
Off-duty police officer hits Disciplineless mother for 234 points of damage.
Off-duty police officer kicks Disciplineless mother for 27 points of damage.
Disciplineless mother is slain by Off-duty police officer!
Disciplineless mother pet hits YOU for 12 points of damage.
Off-duty police officer hits Disciplineless mother pet for 262 points of damage.
Off-duty police officer was burned.
Disciplineless mother pet is slain by Off-duty police officer!
Off-duty police officer says 'Let this be a lesson, that none can withstand the wrath of the San Diego Department of Public Safety.'
You are hungry.
You are out of food.
You say, 'Hail Denny's waiter'
Denny's waiter says 'Can I get you some more [coffee]?'
You say, 'No, I want to place my order'
You say, 'Can I place my order?'
You say, 'Let me place my order dammit!'
Denny's waiter says 'Ah, would you like to try our [Grand Slam Breakfast]?'
You say, 'I will have the grand slam breakfast'
Denny's waiter says 'How would you like your [eggs]?'
You say, 'scrambled'
You say, 'I would like them scrambled'
You say, 'what about eggs'
Denny's waiter says 'You can have [scrambled eggs] or [fried eggs].'
You say, 'I will have scrambled eggs'
Denny's waiter says 'Excellent, would you like anything to drink? Some [orange juice], perhaps?'
You say, 'I will have orange juice'
You say, 'what about orange juice'
Denny's waiter says 'Our orange juice is fresh squeezed from concentrate.'
You say, 'give me orange juice'
Denny's waiter says 'Okay, I'll be right back with your orange juice.'
You gain experience!
You are hungry.
You are out of food.
Gordon shouts, 'Attention, your bacon is now raw, because fully-cooked bacon lacks the inherent risks associated with our Vision of Bacon.'
Lawrence shouts, 'Wait a minute, this bacon hasn't been cooked for months'
Gordon shouts, 'Uhh... yes it has.'
Robert shouts, 'You kidding? We've been complaining about this stuff being raw for ages'
Gordon shouts, 'Uh, whatever.'
Gordon shouts, 'Oh.'
Gordon shouts, 'uh.... I've just been informed that the bacon has been raw for several months now, but we were unable to determine this until we fixed a bug with the pancakes, which were previously large enough to obscure the bacon.'
Gordon shouts, '... Oh, yeah, we nerfed your pancakes too.'
Denny's waiter says 'Here is your breakfast, Tom.'
You gain experience!
Your faction standing with Denny's Customers got worse
Scrambled eggs looks at you threateningly - what would you like your tombstone to say?
You taste your eggs.
You are chilled to the bone.
You shout, 'oh man my eggs are cold'
Robert shouts, 'petition a manager then'
You petition, 'my scrambled eggs are cold'
Kevin shouts, 'Ack train to restroom!!!'
Thom says, 'Lynn, I still can't believe you can eat this stuff'
Denny's waiter says 'Here is your breakfast, Lynn.'
Lynn begins to cast a spell.
Lynn is protected from poison.
Lynn says, 'I always come prepared'
You shout, 'Man, where's the manager'
Karen shouts, 'Haha u pteitond a managr u sux0r'
George tells you, 'Greetings, Tom, I am George, the Denny's manager. How can I assist you?'
You tell George, 'my scrambled eggs are cold'
George tells you, 'I will be with you as soon as possible, please stay patient'
You sip your coffee.
A cool breeze slips through your mind.
George says, 'Greetings, Tom. Are your eggs still cold?'
You say, 'yes'
George begins to cast a spell.
Scrambled eggs burst into flame.
George says, 'Take care'
Michelle says, 'Ack, I don't feel so well'
Michelle begins to cast a spell.
Alka-Seltzer staggers.
Michelle staggers.
Michelle beams a smile at Alka-Seltzer.
Michelle says, 'Ahhh, I feel much better now...'
Denny's waiter says 'Here, let me clear that away for you.'
You say, 'Hey, wait, that's my food, I'm not done yet....'
You shout, 'Hey, this waiter took my food'
Corey shouts, 'Yep, they do that sometimes if you let your food sit there'
You say, 'Hail Denny's waiter'
Denny's waiter says 'Hello there, Tom, how can I help you?'
You say, 'Check please'
Denny's waiter says 'Okay, here you go.'
You gain experience!
You say, 'Hail Denny's cashier'
Denny's cashier says 'Hello there, would you like to pay your [check]?'
You say, 'Yes I want to pay my check'
You say, 'what about my check'
Denny's cashier says 'You must give me the check before I can reveal more to you.'
Denny's cashier says 'Ah, excellent! Would you like to know your [total]?'
You gain experience!
Your faction standing with Denny's Cashiers got better
You say, 'what is my total'
Denny's cashier says 'Your total is 6 gold, 7 silver, 9 copper. Will you be paying with a [MasterCard]?'
You say, 'yes I will use a mastercard'
Denny's cashier says 'Unfortunately your MasterCard is over-limit. Would you prefer to pay with [cash]?'
Your faction standing with MasterCard got worse
Your faction standing with Cheesy-Ass High-Interest-Rate Credit Card Companies got better
You say, 'yes I will pay with cash'
Denny's cashier says 'Your total is 6 gold, 7 silver, 9 copper then.'
You gain experience!
You receive 2 silver.
You receive 1 copper.
Denny's waiter says 'You have stiffed me on my tip for the last time!'
Denny's waiter crushes YOU for 217 points of damage!
Denny's waiter crushes YOU for 204 points of damage!
Denny's waiter hits YOU for 226 points of damage!
Denny's waiter tries to hit YOU, but misses!
Denny's waiter bashes YOU for 74 points of damage!
You are stunned.
Denny's waiter crushes YOU for 189 points of damage!
You are bleeding to death!
Denny's waiter crushes YOU for 221 points of damage!
You have been slain by Denny's waiter!
You are no longer stunned.
LOADING, PLEASE WAIT...
You have entered Verant.
You shout, 'Can I get a SoW? My corpse is all the way over in Denny's'
Karen shouts, 'Haha u sux3r'
----------

 

[EnGarde]

Dood, SOW Plz
-----------------

Part one:

So there I was.....minding my own business in The Overthere, when all of a sudden I see the message: "d00d sow plz".

Of course, my natural instinct was not to answer, since I thought the clueless newb (hereafter referred to politely as "the petitioner") must have been poorly informed at best.

Boy was I ever wrong.

I switch out of 1st person into an external camera, and what did my wandering eyes behold? Only myself and the petitioner.

So I says to myself...."Self? You need to edumacate this fella!"

(Keep in mind what the overall setting looked like: There I was, in skeleton form, carrying a scythe, FLOATING IN MIDAIR IN A MEDITATING POSITION, with a LARGE dark-brown skeleton named "Gibober" standing behind me. Ummm....No, skippy, I'm not a druid or a shaman.)

I say "Wish I could, bro, but I don't have SoW. I'm a Necromancer."

The Petitioner says, "$#*&@#$ dick, sow me already! it's for a cr"

Feeling as if my feathers had been ruffled a bit, I do a "/who all dumbass" (um..pardon..I meant "/who all petitioner")

This is where I discovered the "/who all" bug. Certainly it must have been a bug, right? There's NO WAY IN CREATION the dumbas...err...petitioner could have been a level 31 Dark Elf Wizard, right? RIGHT?? /em begins to cry like a little girl.

Well, needless to say, I couldn't have been any more shocked than if my pet began dancing an Irish Jig. I quickly begin the arduous task of maintaining my composure, while deciding how best to deal with this tricky situation.

I say, "Necromancer's can't cast SoW".

Petitioner says, "Bull@#$%! you cast a spell while you were running and you sped up! i couldn't catch you until you sat down! if you're not going to sow me just say so you dont have to be a dick about it a$$hole"

Yes I know....he didn't use any punctuation in that last sentence.

I say, "I have JBoots."

He says, "what are they"

Before I have a chance to pick my chin up off the floor....

Petitioner asks, "can you buff my hps my hp sux"

I say, "I can't buff you, dude. I'm a necromancer. I only have one buff that you would probably want."

He says, "yeah the one you won't give me dick"

Ok. Time to have fun with the hopelessly clueless.

I say, "Why do you need a sow?"

He says, "i need to get to burned woods to hunt. sumbody said its perfect for my level"

Yep. That's what he said......"burned woods".

I say, "man are you ever in the wrong place."

He says, "?"

Apparently he found the "question mark" key conveniently located nearby other various and sundry communication facilitators.

I didn't answer him.

He repeats, "??"

Found it twice...good for him.

He repeats, ""

Having an IQ greater than plantlife, I sensed a pattern forming.

I say, "You are NO WHERE near Burned Woods."

He says, "my friend told me it was in kunark"

I say, "Yeah, the operative word there is 'WAS'. There was a major patch a couple of months ago after a bunch of complaints were filed about 'static content'."

He says, "?"

I say, "!"

He says, "?"

I say, ","

He says, "wtf"

I say, "no, already have some."

He says, "?"

I don't respond.

He says, "so where the @#$% is burned woods"

He lost the question mark button again. Probably popped off when he was sniffing his feet.

I say, "Well, THIS week it's south of Freeport. It changes with every patch, since they began randomizing zone locations."

My guild is hysterical at this point. And I haven't even told them the ENTIRE story yet. Just snippets.

He says, "@#$% i just got off the boat"

I say, "You don't need the boat."

He says "why"

I say, "You're a wizard!"

He says, "how you know that"

I say, "I did a /wh...nevermind....the important thing is you have teleportation spells."

He says, "oh yeah the green ones"

I nod.

I say, "Yep. The 'green ones'. Pretty nice how you have them grouped by color."

He says, "thx"

I say, "How'd you think about doing it that way?"

He says, "they were all @#$%## up when i got this char"

I say, "Sit down and mem the spell 'Fay Gate'."

He says, "why"

Question mark key is on the ground in front of your chair, guy. Mixed in with your collection of boogers.

I say, "It's going to put you within spitting distance of Burned Woods."

He says, "how do you know"

I say, "All patch messages come with a zone connection map."

He says, "oh"

I say, "Ok. You have it memmed now?"

He had just stood up after what I assumed was meditating/looking at his spell book.

He says, "yeah"

I say, "Ok. Cast the spell and let me know when you get there."

Dumba...errr....Petitioner begins to cast a spell.

A LONG time goes by.....ok, maybe 5 minutes
I still haven't heard from him.

Getting curious:

I tell petitioner, "Are you there yet?"

No reply. No reply at all. [Yes, I'm a Genesis fan... ]

Obviously he's there, or my tell wouldn't have gone through.

I tell petitioner, "Hit the 'r' key to reply to me."

He replies, "i'm here now where do i go."

Right idea....wrong punctuation mark. Oh well. "C" for effort.

I tell petitioner, "Ok, do you see a hotkey on the screen that says 'Sense Heading'?"

He replies, "no"

I reply, "Hit the arrow buttons one by one until you see one."

It was a guess, but an educated one.

He replies, "found it"

I reply, "Click on it."

He replies, "north"

I reply, "Ok, you need to head east along the path. Keep going until the path turns north. When it forks to the right, take the right fork."

He replies, "ok"

Who knows, maybe the guy who sold his account on Ebay worked his Felwithe faction up.

He replies, "sumbody told me i shouldnt be here cause i'm a dark elf"

I reply, "They were roleplaying."

He replies, "oh hehe @#$%@#$ morons ;P"

Priceless. Utterly priceless, I tell you.

I reply, "Where are you?"

He replies, "i see something now. looks like a castle"

I reply, "Run into the castle as fast as you can. The guards might give you some trouble, just keep running."

Yeah...damned conscience started kicking in.

A fairly long period of time passes. Not sure how long, but longer than I was expecting.

I tell petitioner, "What happened?"

As if I didn't know....

He replies, "my spells are gone!"

I reply, "What happened?"

He replies, "i died why"

I reply, "Oh man! Did I tell you to run east or west?"

He replies, "east wtf???"

I reply, "Yikes. My bad. You should have run west."

He replies, "?"

I reply, "So where are you now?"

He replies, "how can i tell"

I reply, "Look right after you see 'Loading please wait'. It should tell you 'You have entered [zone]'."

He replies "it doesnt say [zone] there."

After smacking my head against my monitor....

I reply, "What does it say in place of [zone]?".

Get this....

He replies, "Burning Woods"

I nearly fell out of my chair! I couldn't have PLANNED it that way!

He replies, "is that the same as burned woods"

I reply, "No, but you're close. Start running south so you can get your corpse back."

He replies, "i have to get my corpse back??"

/ignore petitioner


Moral of the story: EBay...Just Say No!

Out of sheer curiosity, I took him off ignore later to find out what happened.

I tell petitioner, "How's it going?"

He replies, "wtf? where you been"

I reply, "been afk, sorry."

He replies, "got my corpse back. some dude rezzed me."

My conscience somewhat eased...

I reply, "Really? Cool! Where are you now?"

He replies, "iceclad ocean"

I scratch my head a few times.

I reply, "Why Velious?"

He replies, "the guy that rezzed me told me burned woods was in western wastes this week"

I don't recall exactly how long it took me to stop laughing. I stopped breathing shortly before my dog dialed 911.


Part 2 - This is the follow up story from the cleric who rezzed him near Felwithe.

Here comes some idiot Dark Elf running past me, running straight down the road that is going to lead him to Felwithe. I scratch my head, and being the nosey sort of Dwarf that I am...I send him a tell.

I tell the DE, "Wait"

DE tells me, "?"

I sigh into my ale as I take another longt draught off of it before
running up to him and saying, "Ye really don't wanna go messin around over there with them High Elves' They look like pansies, but they aint."

The DE stands there with a vacant look on his face for a few minutes before just running away. Do a /who on the DE and find out he's 31st level. Ok, so maybe he knows what he's doing. I've seen Ogres in North Freeport, after all. I go back to drinking my ale.

Out of curiosity, I send him another tell a few minutes later.

I tell the DE, "Not gettin' into any trouble over there are ye?"

DE tells me, "**** !@#$% roleplayer"

I sigh into my ale again, finishing it off. Ah, tis the season of the
twit. I stand up and head towards Felwithe to resupply my ale.

Just as I get to the gates of the ugliest city on Norrath, what do I
find but a dead dark elf and a pair of guards snickering and cleaning their weapons. Now this is priceless.

I do a /who on the poor soul and see he is in Burning Woods. Being the sucker that I am, I feel compelled to rez the twit...after all, I am a !@#$% roleplayer and I roleplay a !@#$% cleric...albeit a !@#$% grumpy one.

I sit down to mem Reviviscene and while I am waiting for it to refresh I send the DE a tell.

I tell the DE, "Would ye like a rez?"

DE tells me, "no i want a !@#$% sow dumbas i have to run south to get my corpse back so dont be a dick and just sow me plz"

I look around for an ale but unfortunatly Brell hates me at this moment in time, so I simply reply. "If I rez ya, ye wont need to run south to yer body. You will appear at yer body. I am not standing near you, I am standing near yer corpse."

DE tells me, "d00d rez plz"

As I sigh I look at my Holy Symbol of Brell and sigh "I'm gonna get a stout named after me right?" and I tell the DE "Consent me so I can rez ya" but I get no reply. No reply at all. So I say it again "Consent me so I can rez ya"

DE tells me, "ok you can rez me"

I sit down again at this point. I have no ale and this is gonna take awhile. I tell the DE, "Type /consent and my name" Being a smart dwarf I tell the DE, "/consent Cleric_01" and say again "Just like that" before he can make my head hurt more.

Sure enough, I recieve consent to drag his corpse. So I stand up and get ready to drag the corpse when suddenly I am denied permission to drag his corpse. I begin to think like him and I think "***?" So I tell the DE, "No...just type it once. One more time. That's it. Dont type it again" thinking that as soon as I get this over with, I can go buy more ale and my head will stop hurting.

I recieve consent and I quickly drag it towards the zone since this is the direction the guy was going anyway. I get the body by the zone and cast Rez on it, comforted by the fact that I am one heal away from being done with this guy.

The naked DE appears in front of me and I stand up to cast my final spell of this exchange when he says to me "your that !@#%% roleplayer" and then a moment later, almost as an afterthought "thx"

Compelled at this point, I ask "Why were you running into Felwithe when you are KoS?"

DE says, "I was going to burned woods"

I say, "Burning Woods?"

DE says, "no dumbass i go there when i die i want to hunt burned woods"

I say, "Who told you to go hunting in Burned Woods, inside Felwithe?"

DE says, "some dick who wouldnt sow me" and then "will you sow me plz, its for a CR"

I stand there drooling on myself for a moment, trying to catch up. I havent had an ale in a good 20 minutes at this point, so I am starting to see spots.

DE says, "dont be a dick just sow me before they move the zone again"

I stare at the lad and ask "Move Burned Woods? Again?"

DE says, "yea"

I finally snap and say, "They aren't going to move it again. Once they moved it to Western Wastes, with all the snow, it stopped burning."

DE says, "i saw a burning tree"

I say, "Exactly my point. Now if they would only move Burning Woods there it would stop too and people wouldn't go there when they die."

DE says, "can you sow me, its for CR"

I say, "sow doesnt work in IC until you get past EW and then it will work for CR's only until you get to WW, then ask the first person you see for sow there." I add as an afterthought "Sometimes they look like flying blue things but they can sow"

DE says, "***"

I say, "Allow me to use smaller words. You do not need a sow yet. Do what I say and you'll get there right away." and then "Sit down and mem the spell Bind Affinity"

DE is silent for a bit and finally says "its red" as he is standing up

I say, "I am glad they covered Colors this week. Now target yourself and cast this spell. " He just stands there for a minute, so I add "it will r0ck" and he begins to cast the spell, binding himself behind the guards at Felwithe. I feel somewhat better already, maybe I dont need ale.

DE says, "it said bound" and begins to giggle

I say, "Now sit down and mem the spell Iceclad Gate. This will r0ck even more."

DE says, "this one is green"

I say, "You're damn good at those colors man"

DE says, "thx"

When the DE stands up I say "This is going to take you to Iceclad Ocean. It's an ocean so that's why they moved Burned Woods there....to put it out."

DE says, "what about sow"

I say, "Remember that sow wont work until you are on a CR in WW. In fact you actually run faster in snow if you set the RUN button to WALK. Do that now."

DE says, "ok"

I say, "Now cast Iceclad Gate....the Green one. Remember to run straight out of where you appear and dont stop swimming until you hit Burned Woods."

DE begins to cast a spell and I zone in to get my ale....remembering that the Ignore list cures most headaches that ale cant and feeling somewhat better about going back to Sebilis.


and part 3:

Re: d00d sow plz (it gets better)

So.. There I am.. Sitting on Iceclad bridge enjoying the view and healing travelers as they pass by.

Out of no where pops up this little Dark elf.

DE: HEY can you guide me to WW Duuudee

Being the generous sort I actually consider this.. I do a /who on De and to my surprise he's level 31!. WW is no place for a 31, heck its not even a place for a 51.. I sigh.

I tell De: You really shouldn't be out here at 31. Why do you want to go to WW?

DE: I need to go hunt there but i can't get sowed till I get to EW.

I scratch my head at this since I am the nice shamenly type.

I say: Ok. zone through I'll sow you on the other side.

*zoning. please wait*

I caste sow upon the totally hopeless DE and being the nice shamen I am I tell him: You really should invis yourself before you go running across EW. Something out there will kill you.

DE: Wft is invis?

I say: In your spell book, looks like an eye ball.

DE: Oh...

I Sow myself in the mean time, caste see invis and invis up so i can lead him to ww.

DE: HEY!!! WHere did you go *((&*(&(&. Thought you were taking me to WW!!!

*deep sigh*

Caste See invis on DE. Caste invis on DE. Say : Follow...

DE: HEY.. you stupid (&(*&(&(&* where did you go..
*run back and fetch dumb DE*
Say: OK. type /Follow this way you don't lose me.

Off we run to Kael, and into Wakenlands..

At this point I'm tired of his company and tell him he has to run to SS to CS to SG to WW...

DE: ??
I say: buy a map
DE: ?
He's getting better at that punctuation.
I say: why you going to WW anyways??? just out of curiosity..
DE: I have to go through WW to get to Burned woods before it gets moved again!..

moved? Perplexed look.. hmmm

I say: WW? Didn't they move that to Kunark yesterday?

(of course I know ww is warsilk woods, not western waste but who was I to enlighten this DE)...

I say: anyways.. Follow zone wall.. when you get to SS ask someone to show you the rest of the way to WW .. Here's Sow.. Bye bye.

*gate*..

Few seconds later

DE: HEY ((*&$(& What the (&(*&(*& is WOoshi!.. It just killed me!!!

DE: S#$#$#% Guards Just killed me...

DE: WFT!!!!

DE: Died again

DE: HELP. THE guards keep killing me!!!!

/ignore