I don't know what I hated more about this movie, the movie itself or the people behind me who loved it so much they saw fit to narrate with "dang dude!", "that ride is SICK!", and "she's so hot!"
To put it simply, Transformers combines the acting talent of The Fast and the Furious 3, the comedic timing of Big Fat Liar, and the fight sequences of Power Rangers: SVU to create a movie that makes Live Free or Die Hard look like a masterpiece of cinematic achievement.
The worst part about Transformers is that for the first half of the movie there aren't any, which leaves the movie to be carried on the shoulders of its atrociously awful actors. The cast includes Shia LaBeouf of Even Stevens fame, that one guy who was in the Dairy Queen commercials, a handful of Victoria Secret rejects, and a squad of pretty-boy bodybuilders.
Many of these actors deliver lines with the passion of a middle schooler asked to read a paragraph aloud for the class, and the dialogue that they're given smacks of cheap rehashed action movie catch-phrases pulled from rehashed-action-movie-catchphrases.com. To detract from the terrible acting, Michael Bay takes every possible opportunity to expose the only on-screen redeeming qualities of his female cast members; their body parts. A device used primarily in order to appeal to his 11-13 year old age demographic.
Not that the scenes that the actors are thrown into are any better. Scenes range from a yuck-fest where Bernie Mac (yes, I said Bernie Mac) plays a sleasy salesman with the gift of gab, to a sequence where Shia negotiates a better grade for a class project with a nerdy teacher presumably taken directly from an episode of Full House. These memorable moments are topped only by an American Pie-esque sequence where Shia LaBeouf is confronted by his parents about masturbating when he's trying to keep his Autobot friends a secret.
Classy.
The movie stumbles forward packed full of unrealistic characters that do little to advance the plot. Many of these extraneous nitwits are as dull as the main characters and occupy sequences ranging from 15 seconds to 15 minutes.
And just when you think it can't get any stupider, a secret division of the government intervenes headed up by a character so ridiculously goofy that one can't help but wonder if Bay isn't just stealing actors from the local community theater. I take that back actually, I saw Man of La Mancha last year at our local theater and it was awesome.
It isn't until an hour into the film that the first Autobot is presented. Up until this point no one really has any idea where the movie is going or if the premise is actually going to deliver anything more than doe eyed C-listers. After the Autobots crash land, Optimus Prime gives a 3 minute plot wrap up to bring the audience up to speed. However rushed and belated this explanation was, the movie started showing promise at this point. Many of the original Autobots were present and appeared to have been cast appropriately to their personalities.
Unfortunately the movie comes crashing back to sub-mediocrity when the next scene brings us to Shiloh Labeuff's house where the Autobots do their best to hide in Shiloh's backyard while he stalls his parents. The only thing missing from this 20 minute long scene was Yackity Yack Sax and the Autobots running through different doors in a long corridor.
An hour and a half into the film we were finally treated to the first (and only) robot fight sequence. Although, by the time the movie lurches its way into the event that we originally paid our ten bucks for, it was too little too late. Autobots fight Decepticons, Decepticons are better armed and armored but still lose, somehow the humans make a difference in the fight, and the movie closes on a sunset of all of the fine GM cars and trucks looking proudly to the horizon.
Roll credits, lights go up, clean up crew walks in and- oh wait! There's more! The end credits feature Shia's on-screen parents who deliver a Christopher Guest inspired improvisational interview that pokes fun at the U.S. government! Oh Michael Bay, you managed to pull it out of a nosedive at the last minute! MY HAT"S OFF TWO YOU SIR< 5 GOLD STARS!!!
To put it simply, Transformers combines the acting talent of The Fast and the Furious 3, the comedic timing of Big Fat Liar, and the fight sequences of Power Rangers: SVU to create a movie that makes Live Free or Die Hard look like a masterpiece of cinematic achievement.
The worst part about Transformers is that for the first half of the movie there aren't any, which leaves the movie to be carried on the shoulders of its atrociously awful actors. The cast includes Shia LaBeouf of Even Stevens fame, that one guy who was in the Dairy Queen commercials, a handful of Victoria Secret rejects, and a squad of pretty-boy bodybuilders.
Many of these actors deliver lines with the passion of a middle schooler asked to read a paragraph aloud for the class, and the dialogue that they're given smacks of cheap rehashed action movie catch-phrases pulled from rehashed-action-movie-catchphrases.com. To detract from the terrible acting, Michael Bay takes every possible opportunity to expose the only on-screen redeeming qualities of his female cast members; their body parts. A device used primarily in order to appeal to his 11-13 year old age demographic.
Not that the scenes that the actors are thrown into are any better. Scenes range from a yuck-fest where Bernie Mac (yes, I said Bernie Mac) plays a sleasy salesman with the gift of gab, to a sequence where Shia negotiates a better grade for a class project with a nerdy teacher presumably taken directly from an episode of Full House. These memorable moments are topped only by an American Pie-esque sequence where Shia LaBeouf is confronted by his parents about masturbating when he's trying to keep his Autobot friends a secret.
Classy.
The movie stumbles forward packed full of unrealistic characters that do little to advance the plot. Many of these extraneous nitwits are as dull as the main characters and occupy sequences ranging from 15 seconds to 15 minutes.
And just when you think it can't get any stupider, a secret division of the government intervenes headed up by a character so ridiculously goofy that one can't help but wonder if Bay isn't just stealing actors from the local community theater. I take that back actually, I saw Man of La Mancha last year at our local theater and it was awesome.
It isn't until an hour into the film that the first Autobot is presented. Up until this point no one really has any idea where the movie is going or if the premise is actually going to deliver anything more than doe eyed C-listers. After the Autobots crash land, Optimus Prime gives a 3 minute plot wrap up to bring the audience up to speed. However rushed and belated this explanation was, the movie started showing promise at this point. Many of the original Autobots were present and appeared to have been cast appropriately to their personalities.
Unfortunately the movie comes crashing back to sub-mediocrity when the next scene brings us to Shiloh Labeuff's house where the Autobots do their best to hide in Shiloh's backyard while he stalls his parents. The only thing missing from this 20 minute long scene was Yackity Yack Sax and the Autobots running through different doors in a long corridor.
An hour and a half into the film we were finally treated to the first (and only) robot fight sequence. Although, by the time the movie lurches its way into the event that we originally paid our ten bucks for, it was too little too late. Autobots fight Decepticons, Decepticons are better armed and armored but still lose, somehow the humans make a difference in the fight, and the movie closes on a sunset of all of the fine GM cars and trucks looking proudly to the horizon.
Roll credits, lights go up, clean up crew walks in and- oh wait! There's more! The end credits feature Shia's on-screen parents who deliver a Christopher Guest inspired improvisational interview that pokes fun at the U.S. government! Oh Michael Bay, you managed to pull it out of a nosedive at the last minute! MY HAT"S OFF TWO YOU SIR< 5 GOLD STARS!!!
