Brian: I am not Jewish, I'm a Roman.
Pontius Pilate: [incredulous] A Woman?!
Brian: No no, Roman. [Guard strikes him.] Agh!
Pontius Pilate: So, your father was a Woman? Who was he?
Brian: He was a Centurion, in the Jerusalem Garrisons.
Pontius Pilate: Weally? What was his name?
Brian: 'Naughtius Maximus'.
[the Centurion scoffs]
Pontius Pilate: Centuwion, do we have anyone of that name in the gawwison?
Centurion: Well, no, sir.
Pontius Pilate: Well, you sound vewy sure. Have you checked?
Centurion: Well, no, sir. Ermm, I think it's a joke, sir... like, uh, 'Sillius Soddus' or... 'Biggus Dickus', sir.
Pontius Pilate: [guards stifle giggles] What's so funny about 'Biggus Dickus'?
Centurion: Well, it's a joke name, sir.
Pontius Pilate: I have a vewy gweat fwiend in Wome called 'Biggus Dickus'.
[Guard stifle more giggles, somewhat less successfully than before]
Pontius Pilate: Silence! What is all this insolence? You will find yourself in gladiator school vewy quickly with wotten behaviour like that.
Brian: Can I go now, sir?
[slap]
Brian: Aaah!
Pontius Pilate: Wait till Biggus Dickus hears of this!
[guard laughs]
Pontius Pilate: Wight! Take him away!
Centurion: Oh, sir, he... he only...
Pontius Pilate: No, no. I want him fighting wabid, wild animals within a week.
Centurion: Yes, sir. Come on, you.
[takes the guard away as continues laughing hysterically]
Pontius Pilate: I will not have my fwiends widiculed by the common soldiewy. [pauses, adopts a sly expression] Anybody else feel like a little... giggle... when I mention my fwiend... Biggus...
[another guard sniggers]
Pontius Pilate: ... Dickus?
[more sniggering]
Pontius Pilate [standing in front of guard]: What about you? Do you find it... wisible... when I say the name... Biggus...
[stifled giggle]
Pontius Pilate: ... Dickus?
[both guards giggle]
Pontius Pilate: He has a wife, you know. Do you know what she's called? 'Incontinentia'... Incontinentia Buttocks.
Pontius Pilate: [Guards are laughing] Stop! What is all this?!
Pontius Pilate: [Laughing continues] I've had enough of this wowdy webel sniggewing behaviour. Silence! Call yourselves Pwaetowian guards? You are not - [Brian escapes] Seize him! Seize him! Blow youw noses and seize him!