blackhealth
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Subject: chili cook-off
Subject: A Texas Chili Contest..................
Warning: If you can read this whole story without
laughing out loud,
then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the
end.
Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you
pay attention to the
first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is
even better. For
those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how
true this is.
They actually have a chili cook-off about the time
Halloween comes
around. It takes up a major portion of a parking
lot at the San
Antonio city park. The notes are from an
inexperienced chili taster
named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a
judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the
last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table
asking for directions
to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I
was assured by the
other two judges (native Texans) that the chili
wouldn't be all that
spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free
beer during the
tasting, so I accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event: (Frank is
Judge #3)
Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato.
Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy shit! What the hell is
this stuff?! You could remove dried paint from
your driveway.
Took me two beers to put out the flames. I hope that's
the worst one.
These Texans are
crazy.
Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight
jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more
peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of
children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste
besides
pain. I had to
waveoff two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich
maneuver. They
had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my
face.
Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good
use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium
spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting
Drano. Everyone
knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I
ignite. Barmaid
pounded me on the back, now my backbone
is in the front
part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of
the beer...
Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice.
Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good
side dish for fish, or other mild foods; not much
of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my
tongue, but was unable to taste it.. Is it possible
to burn out
tastebuds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me
with
fresh refills.
That 300-lb. woman is starting to lookHOT...just like
this nuclear waste
I'm eating! Is
chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers
freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very
impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use
more tomato.
Must admit the cayenne peppers
make a strong
statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring
off my forehead,
and I can no longer focus my
eyes. I farted and four
people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant
seemed offended when I told her
that her chili had given
me brain damage. Sally saved my
tongue from bleeding
by pouring beer directly on it
from the pitcher. I wonder
if I'm burning my lips off. It
really pisses me off that the
other judges asked me to stop
screaming. Screw those
rednecks.
Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...
Judge # 1 -- Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety
chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of
peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe
filled with gaseous,
sulphuric flames. I shit myself
when I farted and I'm
worried it will eat through the
chair. No one seems
inclined to stand behind me
except that Sally. Can't feel
my lips anymore. I need to wipe
my ass with a snow
cone.
Chili # 7 Karla's Screaming Sensation Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much
reliance on canned
peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef
literally threw in a can of
Chili peppers at the last
moment. **I should take note
that I am worried about Judge #
3. He appears to be in
a bit of distress, as he is
cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth,
pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've
lost sight in one eye,and the
world sounds like it is made of
rushing water. My shirt is
covered with chili, which slid
unnoticed out of my
mouth. My pants are full of
lava to match my shirt.At
least during the autopsy,
they'll know what killed me.
I've decided to stop breathing;
it's too painful. Screw it;
I'm not getting any oxygen
anyway. If I need air, I'll just
suck it in through the 4-inch
hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice
blend chili. Not too
bold, but spicy enough to
declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced
chili. Neither mild,
nor hot. Sorry to see that most
of it was lost when Judge
# 3 farted, passed out, fell
over, and pulled the chili pot
down on top of himself. Not
sure if he's going to make
it. Poor fella, wonder how
he'd have reacted to really
hot chili?
Subject: A Texas Chili Contest..................
Warning: If you can read this whole story without
laughing out loud,
then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the
end.
Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you
pay attention to the
first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is
even better. For
those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how
true this is.
They actually have a chili cook-off about the time
Halloween comes
around. It takes up a major portion of a parking
lot at the San
Antonio city park. The notes are from an
inexperienced chili taster
named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a
judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the
last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table
asking for directions
to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I
was assured by the
other two judges (native Texans) that the chili
wouldn't be all that
spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free
beer during the
tasting, so I accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event: (Frank is
Judge #3)
Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato.
Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy shit! What the hell is
this stuff?! You could remove dried paint from
your driveway.
Took me two beers to put out the flames. I hope that's
the worst one.
These Texans are
crazy.
Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight
jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more
peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of
children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste
besides
pain. I had to
waveoff two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich
maneuver. They
had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my
face.
Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good
use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium
spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting
Drano. Everyone
knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I
ignite. Barmaid
pounded me on the back, now my backbone
is in the front
part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of
the beer...
Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice.
Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good
side dish for fish, or other mild foods; not much
of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my
tongue, but was unable to taste it.. Is it possible
to burn out
tastebuds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me
with
fresh refills.
That 300-lb. woman is starting to lookHOT...just like
this nuclear waste
I'm eating! Is
chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers
freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very
impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use
more tomato.
Must admit the cayenne peppers
make a strong
statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring
off my forehead,
and I can no longer focus my
eyes. I farted and four
people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant
seemed offended when I told her
that her chili had given
me brain damage. Sally saved my
tongue from bleeding
by pouring beer directly on it
from the pitcher. I wonder
if I'm burning my lips off. It
really pisses me off that the
other judges asked me to stop
screaming. Screw those
rednecks.
Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...
Judge # 1 -- Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety
chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of
peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe
filled with gaseous,
sulphuric flames. I shit myself
when I farted and I'm
worried it will eat through the
chair. No one seems
inclined to stand behind me
except that Sally. Can't feel
my lips anymore. I need to wipe
my ass with a snow
cone.
Chili # 7 Karla's Screaming Sensation Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much
reliance on canned
peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef
literally threw in a can of
Chili peppers at the last
moment. **I should take note
that I am worried about Judge #
3. He appears to be in
a bit of distress, as he is
cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth,
pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've
lost sight in one eye,and the
world sounds like it is made of
rushing water. My shirt is
covered with chili, which slid
unnoticed out of my
mouth. My pants are full of
lava to match my shirt.At
least during the autopsy,
they'll know what killed me.
I've decided to stop breathing;
it's too painful. Screw it;
I'm not getting any oxygen
anyway. If I need air, I'll just
suck it in through the 4-inch
hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice
blend chili. Not too
bold, but spicy enough to
declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced
chili. Neither mild,
nor hot. Sorry to see that most
of it was lost when Judge
# 3 farted, passed out, fell
over, and pulled the chili pot
down on top of himself. Not
sure if he's going to make
it. Poor fella, wonder how
he'd have reacted to really
hot chili?
