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Fabulous - For all my Carnivores and anti-vegans (1 Viewer)

Joined
Nov 21, 2020
RedCents
796¢
I'm talking to you: trolls, ogres and vah shir especially. Yall might be big, smelly, and ugly, and a large portion of you loves licking their own assholes incessantly, but yall got 1 thing right: consummate and/or obligate carnivore diets.
For all you slimy and/or furry folks, and those of us much more attractive and charming folk who love our meatses(yes i have a toon named that somewhere) ive decided to post a few 99.99% animal product only recipes,

Idk about yall, but i sure as hell miss the kfc double down. I was never big on breaded meats with few exceptions (fishsticks are better than naked fishsticks lol) so here is a recipe for homemade grilled/airfried KFC double down sandwich:

Start with thawed boneless skinless chicken meat. breast or thigh will work here. If keto, or just like juicier tasties, go for the thigh, if you want more lean(then i wonder why you want this sandwich to begin with) go with the breast.
If the meat isn't already thin(some tenderloins may be decently sized but still thin enough to work, and smaller thighs should only require pounding, but whole breasts will need to be butterflied first for sure, THEN pounded)
Find a nice solid, but of course noisy, spot on your counter or a cutting board on your counter, and lay down a sheet of parchment or wax paper, or plastic wrap. spread 2 pieces of chicken per planned sandwich out on this surface and cover with another sheet. Thick butcher paper is probably best, but less common in the home. Now's the time to find that nice little steel hammer in the drawer, the one with the teeth youve fantasized about killing your boss with when he comes for dinner, and using the FLAT side, pound the meat to uniform thickness. The toothed sides will make a mess and have you picking out pieces of paper or plastic wrap for hours (before or after cooking depending how observant you are) Dont worry if theyre uniform size and shape, we're going to make another goodie with the trimmings: unbreaded chicken fries.

Once you have as many pairs of chicken flaps as you want sandwiches, cut each pair to close shapes/sizes to one another. Each pair can vary from the next pair of course, just save the biggest and best pair for yourself, you can share the factory-seconds with the rest of the household.
Now you want to lightly season the side that didnt get butterflied/pounded lightly but evenly with adobo and seasoned salt. If you can find the zesty seasoned salt, it's great(when mine ran out i looked everywhere for replacement to no avail). With a clean and/or gloved hand (for raw-meat handling, especially meatloaf, i keep boxes of vinyl/latex etc gloves in the kitchen. hate the flimsy plastic "food worker" gloves we also have boxes of because they fit nobody and fall off your hands when handling sticky raw meatses) Slap those seasonings into the chicken's surface real good. Rubbing it will just season your hands, i find slapping it, especially with saran wrap in between, to work best.

Next, pull out a tray from your airfryer. Idk how you'd do this if yours only has a basket, mine has 3 trays, a rotisserie, and a rotating basket(cylinder) but no good-sized basket. This works great for me though, if i want something fried in baskets i just heat up one of the actual deep fryers- frydaddy for small batches, and the big butterball turkey fryer for wing-night.
You want to use the french fry setting, or 400degrees for 15minutes, with the seasoned side up, on the second level(close, but not too close to the heat element. If this were your broiler, youd be using the rack on the second tier, not the first)

While that's cooking, it's time to prep and cook the bacon. Yes, i'm going to use a microwave, but you could just as well use a frypan or griddle with a bacon press, or your airfryer if you have any way of keeping the bacon relatively flat (sandwich between two trays for exampole)
We want 3-4 slices per sandwich. Three willl suffice if theyre thickcut while 4 is needed for thinner slices and/or extra fatty ones so you get enough meat. We want to arrange these slices into approximately the same, or SLIGHTLY bigger squares or rectangles as your pairs of chicken slabs since both will shrink while cooking, but bacon will shrink more. I have an awesome microwave bacon cooker for this (one of several i have but this one is for small batches you want kept flat). It's a nice thick gray angled tray with grooves and a reservoir for melted fat and a heavy glass lid and handle that screws said lid into the base to pin the bacon flat while it cooks. I can typically make 4 breakfast sandwiches of bacon squares at a time, or 2 double-down baconslabs. You want to generously sprinkle black pepper over all bacon once it's laid out, but before covering. Because it's thin we're being generous instead of peppering both sides. Peppered bacon could be used but it's not the same, and you get much bigger chunks like chewing gravel, and it's only on the edges. For the microwave cookers (it will work on regular microwave-safe plates too if you maybe have a heavy-ish one to lay on top) and you want to cook for 2 minutes for the first slice of bacon and another 1-1.5minutes for each additional slice, depending on desired crispness and the thickness of bacon and/or stacks of bacon. For example, A full tray of 14slices made using a bacon-wave (white tray with a buncha vertical "fingers" and a couple sticks) tells you to go about 12 minutes in an 1100watt oven, but i find that to be the bare minimum cooking, another minute or 2 for firm but tasty, and another minute or 3 beyond that for crisp. Also remember, that bacon make look lightly browned to you in the microwave, and be rather flexible when it first comes out, but if its noticeably shrunk it WILL crisp and get brittle upon standing. Gauge your cooking time on these points.

If you're going to cook these bacon slabs in the air fryer, wait til the first 10 minutes have gone by on your chicken flaps, then move said chicken to the bottom slot, bacon to the top, and your chicken scraps sliced into strips like fries, seasoned like the flaps, in the middle. Reset your timer for another 10 minutes at 400. Check, but you may need 5-10min more depending on the distance from heat element and length of time fryer is off between cycles. If you ONLY do the clicken flaps in the air fryer, use the full 15 and you're done when the bacon's done.

Now that you have your "bread" and your filling, it's time to glue them together while theyre still hot with some nice good-quality yellow american(not the kind individually sliced, ever, even if it's kraft etc) or your favorite other cheese. Pepper jack would be great here as would most cheddars, but if you go pepper jack, id mix it with a yellow cheese as well. You want slices above and below the bacon-filling, gluing that yummy fatty salty bacon to the smashed-chicken-bread. If using the second method, panfry any remaining chicken scraps/unbreaded chicken fries, seasoned as above, in the bacon drippings. If necessary, you can pop your new sandwich in the nuker for 30 seconds to force the melting of the cheesy goodness.

If you feel the need for a sauce, Sweet baby ray's honey mustard salad dressing and dipping sauce is pretty good (also if you make this sandwich inside a pretzel roll, then as long as you get enough pepper on the bacon, you get that awesome sandwich dunkin donuts made like 6-7 years ago)



Meatza Pizza with 2 sauce choices, and optional miniscule veggies just for flavor*

We're going to make a pizza crust with no vegetables harmed in the process. Evil mammals are constantly torturing the poor innocent vegetable world but it's time to stop, and take it like a man: predator or prey, mammals are made to eat or be eaten.
There are a couple ways we can do this crust. First of all is the above method for the chicken slabs used in the double downs, but without trimming them, and with just salt and pepper, maybe redpepper flakes if you like, for seasoning. These will of course be personal sized if not single slices.

Another way is to make a sort of meatloaf/gigantic hamburger patty: ground beef(the leaner the better in this case to avoid shrinkage) an egg or two depending on amount of meat, whatever seasoning floats your boat (salt, pepper, and pizza seasoning and/or red pepper flakes work nicely) plus crushed porkrinds to replace the breadcrumbs youd use in your meatballs or meatloaf(I wont bother making a recipe for that, i'm sure you can figure it out. Make it sticky, and not too runny. Egg helps fill in airpockets and hold the chunks together without drying out, breadcrumbs *AHEM* Porkrind granules add texture and allow for adjustment of the moisture level since eggs are measured in whole eggs, not by the teaspoon. Make meatloaf, the kind with eggs and breadcrumbs, but grind up porkrinds to replace the breadcrumbs, done) This can be done quickly and easily in a food processor or any Ninja appliance(except the coffee maker lol) Spread this meat mixture out as thin and wide as possible on a solid(not perforated) pizza pan, and assuming you have another pizza pan(perforated is fine) that isnt gross on the bottom (we all know how some pizza pans end up, and some dish-washers dont know how to flip pans over and wash the outside), place that on top with any sort of oven-safe weight(like a cast iron skillet) on top to retain shape/size. Bake at 400 for 15-20min, less if using convection.

Onto the sauces. I'm gonna give ya 2 to choose from here, sorry neither is red ( im sure you could make a red sauce if you have a source of animal blood or want to dye the others red with a lotta cayenne or chili powder)
First is the common/simple one, but it has a vegetable intruder for flavor: Butter/garlic. This is rather simple. Melted butter=minced(not dried) garlic, and salt. if you run this through a food processor or blender with a puree function it will be thicker and more even and easier to spread, but it's not necessary. You could jsut brush your "crusts" with melted butter, sprinkle with the garlic and salt(or even garlic salt if youre super lazy and/or out of real garlic) and call it a day.

The second alternative is a lot more flexible, but also more involved, and fully vegetable free as long as you dont count spices(peppercorns are of course technically a vegetable, or more a fruit or flower bud) This Alredo can be used of course for pasta sauce (we are not making pasta), spread as a pizza sauce as we are here, once refrigerated used as a spreadable cheese because THIS sauce comes out so thick and rich it just works, or as i also often use it: a dip/topping for my bacon-wrapped chicken tenderloins.
For a small batch for pizza, read the measurements in brackets [ ], and for a fullsized batch (enough for at LEAST 6 manly piggies full dinner, maybe even double that, the regular measurements will suffice.

Begin with 2 sticks/1C/.5lbs [a smidge over 5tbsp] butter. Nice salted butter, unless sodium is an issue. If it is, you can certainly use unsalted and look into NoSalt for seasoning stuff as it is still salt, but the sodium is replaced with potassium(great if you suffer from frequent muscle cramps or restless legsyndrome etc) In a nice 2quart or larger** [1quart will suffice for small batch] nonstick pot(any stovetop pan thats deep enough, whatever you wanna call it) we melt the butter over a lowish heat- a 2.5-3 on your standard stoveknob, 4ish on the light/tiny burners made for melting chocolate, and at MOST a 1 on a rapid-boiler burner.

Add to this an 8oz [2.5-3oz] block of cream cheese, the smaller the pieces the easier it'll be, and smear it around until it's as melted as it seems it'll get. When there are no more chunks of cream cheese (Neufchatel will of course also work, and iirc, another cheese thats often used in desserts but similar. I'm sure if you wanted to, you could use ricotta but the flavor and texture will vary some) Next we will add a full quart [10-11fl. ozs] HEAVY whipping cream- the heavier the better. I hear in the U.K. they have an even higher fat variety than our gimpy 36-40% milkfat American heavy cream. Keeping the fire at the same level, bring this mixture slowly up to a VERY light simmer. We dont want to burn or scorch our cream etc, so keep stirring as you go, at least every minute or so, scraping the bottom and rim well..

As soon as you start to see little foamy bubbles telling you it's hitting that magical temperature, shut that heat off and start slowly stirring in 3 cups [1 cup] grated parmesan cheese. Parmesan/romano would of course work, or the 3cheese blend, but i'm not sure freshly grated would either be worth the expense or as easy to combine. Add salt and pepper, now or while waiting for the cream to heat up, i like to see the pepper every inch or so on the surface of my sauce, with similar amounts of salt (i use a variety of salts myself, but for this one its typically some sort of white salt and/or garlic salt for flair. I have a collection of infused sea salts though. The Hawaiian Red Alea (clay) salt i've found adds a buttery flavor of sorts, so that if you ARE a veggie eater at times and love corn on the cob, it can do the job of both salt and butter in just a couple shakes; I also keep grinders of Black Hawaiian (activated charcoal) sea salt, hickory smoked sea salt, a purpleish 81-mineral mix from like tibet or something- tastes and smells like eggs because sulfur is one of the minerals, so id avoid using in a non-egg dish, and still add maybe smoked salt right after to hide the scent while cooking), i also have sriracha sea salt and bacon seasalt grinders, and a peppercorn medley I put together after falling in love with tiny McCormick grinders of not only red, white, green, and black peppercorns, but also allspice and coriander. This pepper works wonders in some dishes, and adds something a little odd to others, so i always keep pepper-only pepper around also) A colored salt like the ones I just mentioned would help see its proportion vs the pepper, but it will also discolor your sauce, the black salt particularly making an unappetizing gray sludge.

Stir the parmesan in until there are no more clumps. You'll probably have to smash some lumps against the side of the pan with your spoon(its nonstick: use a wooden, plastic, or silicone one guys, no one likes finding gouges in their good pans) When its all wellblended together, it's done. If you wanna use it as a spreadable cheese, let it cool down first, stirring every 20-30 minutes or the butter will separate, then put in a small tupperware or old margarine tub and stick it in the fridge. This sauce can also be frozen but its even harder to heat up without separation. Mixing it all back together is the most tedious part.

Ok now we have our sauce: short and simple or long and strong. We have our crust. Now we build as anyone would. Smear the sauce onto the crust with big table/serving spoons, getting near but not dripping over the edges. If using the butter garlic, theres not much smearing unless you made it really garlicky on a puree setting, or just stirred super soft roomtemp butter with garlic, but you're in for a mess. We spread a good layer of shredded cheese. The type of cheese may vary based on your choices for meats on top. Mozzarella of course is more traditional, cheddar and colby-jack shreds go better with cheesebugery toppings(and of course on the groundbeef crust), if you can find an american shred- even better if its got that philly-infusion of cream cheese - then a cheesesteak option calls for WHITE american here, or your traditional provolone. Get creative.

Next is our main toppings. You can add ham, bacon, chicken, hamburger, italian sausage, smoked sausage, pepperoni, even salami or scrambled eggs though we'll do a breakfast pizza here in a bit as well. For flavor, if you dont mind a little veggie invasion, some nice thinly sliced onions, salted and caramelized in butter, would also be great, and a necessity if you want to make the philly cheesesteak style, or could be mixed with or substituted for the butter/garlic sauce. Black olives are also good if you want some of your fat to be vegetable, peppers if you dont mind pesky nightshades (tomatoes are also nightshades. Also, potatoes and eggplant. Kinda creepy if you think about all the times in your life youve heard the word nightshade, it was never as a foodgroup) they add a unique flavor and are often considered "free" due to their fiber:water:carb content vs the effort to chew and digest. I used to despise peppers, except jalapeno poppers, but that has greatly changed, however I do find many veggies and fruits cause a myriad of issues, and lo and behold, there are now actual scientific papers about such a phenomena, who'd'a thunk it...so I eat such things simply as seasonings/garnish OR I binge on them for a week or two then go cold turkey for the next 3-6 months lol.

Back to our pizza: we want to sprinkle another THIN layer of cheese on top of all our toppings as a light sheet of glue to keep it all together once melty, and on top of that, for a more traditional pizza, pizza seasoning with or without red pepperflakes. Onion salt works for cheesesteak style, garlic salt for a simple chicken-bacon combo, just imagine that pizza coming out of the oven, what do you smell? Find it in your spice rack. This is how i cook. Imagine what I want something to taste and smell like, sniff it and sniff every seasoning i think might fit, add what does and toss therest back in the cupboard. Of course i'm a bit obsessive here and have untold quantities of different spices to choose from, but many are just mixtures of a variety of the basics. So long as you keep the things around that YOU like or are frequently asked for, you're safe. I went 40 years before i bought cream of tartar or marjoram for example, and still have never used the latter. Former does make easier work shipping eggs stiff.

Now lets finish things off with a 10-15minute trip through the oven, watching for your own personal preference of done-ness on your toppings. A little darkening or char can add some nice flavor and texture, but keep in mind where it comes from: oxidation i.e. it's carcinogenic, the more food like that you eat the higher your chances of eating yourself into a grave even if youre not obese but eh, who cares right? California's the one that wants to label everything a carcinogen, even some water, and many things we will never in any way bring into our bodies, whatever. You do of course not want there to be a puddle in the middle, which can happen if anything is frozen, packed in juice (olives) or raw (peppers and onions) so if need be, turn the oven off or down, keeping the convection fan on if you have one, until the center dries up. Your pizza will be much neater to slice, serve, and eat.


Breakfast pizza can be made a few ways. Make a nice lacy-edged fried egg crust, add toppings (bacon, cheese, ham, breakfast sausage are your options here, and maybe peppers or onions) skip the sauce unless ya got some yellow american or a similar-type sauce (make it if you really want it to be saucy, but you gotta add a little flour, maybe whey protein isolate would work - to stop the stringiness, and some butter (the oil also helps with the stringiness, and thins it out when it cools rather than becoming a brick again)

You can skip the CRUST part and just make an omelet or scrambled eggs and top either with your toppings and cheese, or you could also make a crust out of literally just sliced cheddar, fried in a dry pan until it gets hardish- we all know what I mean here when cheese leaks out your grilled cheese sandwich and starts to burn.

Another version, if you want a little bit of a crust, is to take a flatbreat/wrap/lavash bread and line a shallow baking dish with it. Pour in scrambled raw egg. season, add toppings, and mozzarella. Bake until no longer jello-like, 350-400 anywhere would work, with the top end getting more crisp on top and bottom before the middle is cooked, and the bottom end allowing a full solidification of the eggs without any extraneous browning of the toppings or crust.



Ok, i swear I had another recipe/dinner idea I was going to share when I was down having a cigarette, but alas I've now forgotten. I have many more, but these are some of the most exciting. Oh, there is also the Bacon-Turtle-Burger, but that one's stolen from the internet like a decade ago. (No turtles are eaten here, though my uncle makes an amazing snapping turtle stew)
 
Joined
Nov 21, 2020
RedCents
796¢
Oh: quickie fatty-pants recipe. I.e. "heart-attack on a plate" kinda food. Similar to the chicken fries above, but much worse, take a can of yoru favorite flavor SPAM, and slice it into 1/4inch slices the long way, then again the other long way to make "fries" These can now be panfried or airfried until crisp just like a french fry. These do NOT need ANY seasoning. Scary thing is, this wasnt even my invention, but my hubby's. He loves his SPAM. Before him i'd never had such a thing fried, and only a few times bought it and ate like cold lunchmeat. Still not my favorite, but it's more than edible, just exorbitantly full of salt and fillers in addition to being made form the garbage-meat just barely above generic dogfood grade. Really horrible for your health, so dont eat on a regular basis. Anyway, the day he made these, I had no idea what was on his plate, looked like seasoned fries, and he told me to try one. It didnt even occur to me it was made out of SPAM or anything like it until he told me. I'm sure you could taste it if you were told it wasnt potato in the first place, but ive definitely had some seasoned fries taste extremely similar lol. and the texture wasnt far off either.
 
Joined
May 14, 2020
RedCents
331¢
Thanks for the recipes, might give them a whirl, I have long been hunting down the perfect spice mix to match KFC. Copied what I have below, even went as far as buying a weed scales to try measuring them out more exactly but never followed through lol

Spam fries, hmm, think I'll pass on that one though!! Agree with you on the char, mmm delicious carcinogens, why is the universe continually trying to kill us. About the only thing I love that isn't trying to kill me is pepper.

180g all-purpose flour
1 tablespoon brown sugar
1 tablespoon kosher salt

SPICE MIX:
1 tablespoon paprika
2 teaspoons onion salt
1 teaspoon chili powder
1 teaspoon black pepper
1/2 teaspoon celery salt
1/2 teaspoon dried sage
1/2 teaspoon garlic powder
1/2 teaspoon ground allspice
1/2 teaspoon dried oregano
1/2 teaspoon dried basil
1/2 teaspoon dried marjoram
 
Joined
Nov 21, 2020
RedCents
796¢
All that text and no pics? 😬
taht's me lol all yap and no nudes 😁 ive heard complaints before . hmm lol

i was actually writing a response to a different post of mine, listing bulletpoints for the tldr, last night- and my phone died it took so long lol.

found a recipe in a book i jsut got(i just blew almost 300bucks on books at thriftbooks lol. theyre all 3.99-5.99 or FREE and i still spent that much. i make my own recipes and writing recipe books to publish, but yet here im buying 2-3 dozen MORE cookbooks, only 1 writing book- this one janet evanovich's which had some very apt and funny "confessions" in the last chapter that make me not feel so bad when i do anything BUT what i'm planning to do, in that circumstance it'd be writing of course, and not just cookbooks. i have 3-4 i still need to do final editing so i can publish before i write more lol. Killers, cats, and cannibals mostly, though they all overlap :) - a dozen or so books on c++ perl lua and something i forgot, fiction- mostly fiction like 2/3 was fiction and ill probably find i own 1/3 of those already too lol, im horrible at that- adult ADD because believe it or not, they still refuse to Dx me with it lol, and i have no fucking clue where i was heading when i started this sentence. hm.

OH- recipe i found. minicorndogs. in a keto or otherwise ultralow carb book. i bought liek 10 packs of cocktail weinies a couple weeks ago on managers special. local big M - yes it still exists here somehow- has amazing manager specials usually on meat, but their normal prices are horrific- but other than my usual bacon-wrapped weinies roasted with brown sugar then crockpot with bbq sauce, i couldnt think of what to make with them. Along comes this recipe for mini corndogs WITHOUT carbs, they wanted hotdogs cut i n3rdss but these are way better. If it turns out well i'll post with MY alterations, because i cant ever not change a recipe.

OH i did discover the most amazing tasting scrambled eggs the other day. mostly on accident bc i needed more fat for the day and i did NOT want to drink a cup of coffee (heavy cream=fat) so messing around i decided 3 eggs 1.5tbsp butter flavored coconut oil (not "popcorn" coconut oil. i have a huge tub of that, its just dyed yellow. This is Golden Barrel and is barely more per pound than real butter. bought 2 jars off amazon last month) 1.5tbsp heavy whipping cream, the requisite salt and pepper, scramble it all INCLUDING the melted buttery coconut oil together before turning the pan on. continually scrape the bottom of the pan from all directions while it cooks. this will keep it all mixing AND cycling liquid to the bottom to get cooked. i do this on about a 3 setting on my propane stove. I'm at about 1100ft elevation. I never expected anything special out of this, and i war nyou my "measurements" are probably grossly underestimated because i dont measure, i eyeball, and im generous, but they came out exactly like the most tasty buttery breakfast diner eggs i've ever had, and i'll never makem another way again. so simple but so good. and bonus: the coconut oil is far healthier than using actual butter or any sort of margarine, even the "healthy" olive oil etc types. those things all have all sorts of extra crap in them. this is 99.9% coconut oil, and some butter flavor. might even just be salt, butter extract (yes, it exists) and a little yellow dye. I bought 4 different fake butters couple weeks ago trying to find one, ANY one that was olive or coconut oil based AND tasty AND nicely spreadable refrigerated AND with absolutely no soy crap. not so easy lol. This stuff i wouldnt spread directly on bread but its ok. i dont eat bread when im behaving, but i wasnt behaving when it came in the mail so i smeared a glob into a potato roll id picked up on sale, and it was pretty damned good that way too. i also used it to butter the bread for a grilled cheese because the last couple years' grilled cheese i've made have just never been as flavorful as i remember making them in the past. it was an improvement but not quite there. for the price, it kicks the ass of any "healthy" margarine, is damned near as cheap as butter (like $4.45 a pound it worked out to) healthier especially if youre on keto etc. coconut oil, like olive oil, is one of the most healthy fats, but you cant use olive oil in everything, like...baking cookies and brownies, iew. for those though instead of melting this i get this suncoco stuff when its in stock at walmart. it's sunflower and coconut oil and liquid at room temp, my coconut oil will be nearly liquid in a month or 2 but 3/4 of the year it's solid.
 

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