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Funny - Cheesy jokes (1 Viewer)

Joined
Dec 30, 2019
RedCents
118¢
Here are my two favorite cheesy chokes I thought I'd share with you folks. If you like them feel free to do the thing, and maybe even share one of your own!

Note: I make no attempt to be pc or in any way appropriate. Not that I think many here care :)

An old man turned 90 years old and decided to visit the local whore house to celebrate. On arrival, the madam in charge looked at him and his walker skeptically and asked if she could help him. He smiled and told her he wanted the absolute best they had to offer.
"Are you sure you wouldn't like to start slowly and work your way up?", she asked.
"Listen here! I'm 90 years old and I've lived a long and full life. I know what I want!", he replied.
She shrugged her shoulders and complied with his request.
The woman selected for him greeted him warmly and escorted him to a nearby room. Once inside she said "Would you like to sit and talk for awhile before starting?"
"Listen here! I'm 90 years old and I've lived a long and full life. I know what I want!", he replied.
She also just shrugged and said "I'll be right back, I'm going to freshen up and prepare." She left him on the bed and went to the bathroom to do just that.
When she came out, she was shocked to see that not only was he already naked, but he was putting cotton in his ears and nose.
"Ummm....what are you doing?", she asked.
"Listen here! I'm 90 years old and I've lived a long and full life and if there are two things I can't stand, it's the sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of rubber burning!"

Now for the really cheesy one.

A young man turns 18 and his father decides it's time he became a man. He hands him a duck and tells him to go to the local whorehouse where he can trade the duck in exchange for his first sexual encounter.
The young man goes to town and does just that, offering the duck which was accepted by one of the whores. When it's over she says "That was AMAZING! I'll give you the duck back if you'll do that again!" So, he does.
On his way home, he's rather proud of himself and is thinking about the fun he had. He forgets to keep a good grip on the duck, which jumps out of his arms and runs into the street, promptly getting run over.
The guy driving the car stops and gets out. "I'm so sorry about that, I never saw it coming." he says. Seeing the sad look on the young mans face he offers him $10 to pay for the duck, which the man accepts.
He finally gets home and his father asks how it went, to which the young man replies "Well, I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and ten bucks for a fucked up duck!"
 
Joined
Oct 7, 2015
RedCents
938¢
The drunk gets on the bus and sits right up front near the driver.

At the next stop a nice looking woman gets on the bus and as she's standing near the driver paying, the driver says to her, "Tickle your ass with a feather!".

The woman immediately exclaims, "What?!?"

To which the driver replies, "Typical nasty weather!"

The lady chuckles and relaxes and then makes a weather related comment and proceeds to move back and find a seat.

Now this same situation plays out several times with the drunk sitting nearby and observing every word.

Finally, the drunk tells the driver, "Hey that's a neat trick, I wanna try it!", but the driver says, "No way, you'll screw it up for sure!".

But eventually the driver gives in and says, "OK, you try it the next single woman that gets on the bus."

Well, a stop or two later they finally encounter a solo lady climbing on the bus. The driver looks meaningfully at the drunk and then the drunk clears his throat and addresses the lady, "Wanna fuck?!?".

The woman is immediately hostile, but before she can unload on the drunk he smiles and says, "Rainin' ain't it?!?"
 
Joined
Dec 30, 2019
RedCents
118¢
The drunk gets on the bus and sits right up front near the driver.

At the next stop a nice looking woman gets on the bus and as she's standing near the driver paying, the driver says to her, "Tickle your ass with a feather!".

The woman immediately exclaims, "What?!?"

To which the driver replies, "Typical nasty weather!"

The lady chuckles and relaxes and then makes a weather related comment and proceeds to move back and find a seat.

Now this same situation plays out several times with the drunk sitting nearby and observing every word.

Finally, the drunk tells the driver, "Hey that's a neat trick, I wanna try it!", but the driver says, "No way, you'll screw it up for sure!".

But eventually the driver gives in and says, "OK, you try it the next single woman that gets on the bus."

Well, a stop or two later they finally encounter a solo lady climbing on the bus. The driver looks meaningfully at the drunk and then the drunk clears his throat and addresses the lady, "Wanna fuck?!?".

The woman is immediately hostile, but before she can unload on the drunk he smiles and says, "Rainin' ain't it?!?"
I've heard a slightly different version of this one as well.
 
Joined
Oct 9, 2018
RedCents
66¢
This joke always makes me laugh because I know a few guys that would be just like man 3.


3 guys hiking thru the woods find a lamp.
One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.
It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50
The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion.
The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating.
The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish.
First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.
Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him.
Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.
The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.
First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more.
Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already.
Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.
The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.

Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years." Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed."
Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says:

"Guys, I think I fucked up."
 
Joined
Jul 26, 2016
RedCents
916¢
I remember in high school, sitting at the longggg table one day at lunch, listening to someone telling a joke. I was eavesdropping a bit. When he said the punch line I promptly spit the milk from my pint all over the people across from me.

Being a pirate and fisherman I still appreciate its simplicity!

What's pink and drags along the oceans bottom? Moby's Dick!
 
Joined
Jul 26, 2016
RedCents
916¢
Ok ok...that was bad. Here is a better one.

3 GMs walk into a bar, talk about their day of banning nefarious people and drink quite a few pints at the Kraken in Cardiff. The next day as Cshome they talk about who had gotten the drunkest. The first GM tells them "man, I got so drunk I blew chucks all over my house!" The second GM says, "oh man, I drove my car off the road and into the campground and took out some tents! The third GM says, "Oh I have that beat, I went home and took off my clothes in the driveway and went into the house to hold my wife but realized after she screamed it was the neighbors house!" After a good laugh Woebot says: "No I dont think you guys understand, Chunks is my dog!"
 
Joined
Jun 28, 2016
RedCents
862¢
80 year old man goes to the doctor for a check up and during the check up he lets the doctor know that his 20 year old girlfriend is pregnant.
They doctor says let me tell you a story about an avid hunter that left his house in a hurry one morning for a hunt and accidently grabbed an umbrella instead of his gun, while out walking around during his hunt a big lion jumps up towards the hunter and he draws his umbrella up and a loud BANG is heard.
Doctor asks the old man what he thinks happened.
Old man says someone else shot the lion
Doctor says exactly
 
Joined
Apr 17, 2019
RedCents
738¢
Story of two Cajuns:

One day, Thibodaux is settin on his front porch passin a good time, and here come Boudreaux. He says "Hey, Thibodaux! You got to go get you a boat! Meh, I went down to Grand Isle and dey had the most beautiful brunette you ever done saw. I ask her if she wanna go for a ride and she said 'sure'. So I took her out dere til the land was real far away, den I killed the motor and I said 'put out or get out'. Thibodaux says, "Meh, what happened?" Boudreaux smiles, "Man, you know dat girl can't swim!!"

So the next day, Thibodaux is settin on his front porch passin dat good time, and here come Boudreaux again. He hollars, "Hey, Thibodaux! I done told you once and I'm gonna told you again! You got to go get you a boat! Dis time, I went down to Grand Isle and dey had the most beautiful red-head you ever done saw. I ask her if she wanna go for a ride and she said 'sure'. So I took her out dere til you could hardly see the land anymore, den I killed the motor and I said 'put out or get out'. Thibodaux says, "Well sha, what happened?" Boudreaux smiles again and says, "Man, you know that girl can't swim!!"

So the next day again, Thibodaux's back on da porch, and here come Boudreaux. Dis time, he don't sound so happy and he say, "Thibodaux. Listen careful cause I'm only gonna said dis one time. Don't got a boat!" Shocked, Thibodaux says, "Man yesterday I wanna got a boat, the day before I wanna got a boat; now I don't wanna got a boat!!??" Boudreaux shakes his head and says, "Today, I went down to Grand Isle and dey had the most beautiful blonde what you ever done saw. I ask her if she wanna go for a ride and she said 'sure'. So I took her out dere so far you can't see the land some anymore! I killed the motor and I said 'put out or get out'. Thibodaux says, "Yeah, yeah, what happened?" Boudreaux holds his hands about a foot an a half apart and says, "Man that girl had the biggest dick that I ever saw!" Thibodaux says, "OH NO! What you done?"

Boudreaux says, "Man, you know I can't swim!!"
 
Joined
Oct 5, 2012
RedCents
2,423¢
These are all fantastic, makes all the ***clever*** pun jokes I tell people pale in comparison.


What do you call a fake noodle?
An im-pasta.

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What do you call a rich elf?
Welfy.

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What do ghosts like to drink the most?
Ghoul-ade!

CriminalAchingFairyfly-size_restricted.gif


I'll see myself out
 
Joined
Jun 16, 2021
RedCents
101¢
Doesn't meet the "cheesy joke" category but I couldn't contain myself with this.

Your mother is so stupid that she goes to Barneys Rooftop Deck Restaurant for lunch and orders a niçoise salad and calls it a ''ni-coise'' salad.''Ni-coise'' salad, right?

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1625685385577.png

HAHHAHAHAHA I die every time at this part.
 

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